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except for Rommel, who was curled up next to Grandmère’s non-broken foot. “But what happened?”

    “I don’t want to talk about it,” Grandmère said. 76 9 The Princess Diaries

    “Pull up a chair and sit down. Today I want to go over what to do in the event that you are ever trapped in conversation by an autograph seeker. Obviously you don’t want to alienate the person, because as a royal it doesn’t pay to make enemies—even people who are only going to sell your signature on eBay. But it can become frustrating when someone, enamored of your celebrity, won’t shut up. So the excuse to leave that I’ve always found most helpful is the following: I beg your pardon, but I believe I see the Comte de Rosti over there. I simply must go say hello, I haven’t seen him since last season in Biarritz—”

    “Grandmère,” I interrupted. Even though

    princesses don’t interrupt. “Are you going to tell me what happened to your foot, or not?” Then I suddenly remembered something. And my blood went cold. “Oh my God, Grandmère! Dr. Steve was right! He predicted that you were going to sustain a grievous bodily injury!”

    Which meant he might be right about his

    OTHER predictions as well—like that I’m going to end up with a LEO after all!!!! Oh, no!

    Valentine Princess 9 77

    But then Grandmère said, in a scathing tone,

    “Dr. Steve! Never mention that name to me again!”

    “But, Grandmère!” I actually felt kind of sick. Because if Grandmère actually HAD sustained a grievous bodily injury, then what were the chances that Dr. Steve’s prediction about me was going to come true as well????? “He said—”

    “I sustained this injury FLEEING from that man’s odious advances!” Grandmère cried.

    “Imagine my horror when, after inviting him up for coffee and petits fours following his performance on that nice Mr. Letterman’s television show, that socalled doctor suddenly began insisting he had feelings for me! Romantic feelings! I told him he had to be mistaken—that he was confusing his gratitude for all that I had done for him with love. But he wouldn’t believe me! He kept clinging to my hand and talking about how happy we two were going to be when we were married and living in Genovia!”

    I had to try really hard to keep a straight face.

    “Well, Grandmère,” I said. “I mean, you two have been spending an awful lot of time together this 78 9 The Princess Diaries

    week. You can understand if the guy thought maybe there was more to it than simple friendship—”

    “Amelia!” Grandmère looked horrified. “Are you joking? I’m a princess, and he’s . . . he’s . . .

    a commoner! Of all the impertinence! I have never in my life heard of anything so ridiculous! Of course I told him so at once, but the impudent cuss thought I was playing hard to get! He actually tried to kiss me, Amelia!” Grandmère had to take a sip of her Sidecar to fortify herself before she could go on. Meanwhile, I was trying so hard not to

    laugh, tears were practically streaming down my face.

    “Well, of course I slapped him for his insolence,”

    Grandmère explained. “And what do you think he did? Seized me by the arms and told me I light a fire in him unlike any other woman he has ever known. As if I haven’t heard that line before! The horrible man couldn’t think of an original thing to say if his TROUSERS were exploding! Of course I screamed for Raoul”—Raoul is Grandmère’s bodyguard—“and he came rushing in, but not before I’d managed to break free myself. But then I accidentally tripped Valentine Princess 9 79

    over poor Rommel, who was trying frantically to come to my rescue. Which is how I broke my toe. I’m going to have to speak to Gucci about this season’s kitten heels; they are simply too high. . . .”

    “Still,” I said, struggling not to crack up. “The guy was right about two of his predictions .

    . . you did sustain grievous bodily harm, and a man