51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style by Leesa Harker Read Free Book Online Page B

did you play “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go,” on the earphones for the dwarf when you were smackin the hole off her?’ Then he just laughed an said it was time for me to go. So I said, ‘Maybe we could just stay here? Just for the night?’ But I felt him tense up an I knew it was a no, so I just got dressed an left, an I could tell he was as annoyed as I am at his fucked-up-ness.
    So I got into the flat to find Big Sally-Ann an Igor naked an havin a dirty ride up against my flat window. I thought to myself, fuck me, if he’s not doin it outside, he has to be lookin out the window!
    He was too busy goin at it to notice me, but Big Sally-Ann nodded at me an said, ‘I left you half a beef chow mein in the microwave, babe.’
    So I said thanks and sauntered into the kitchen to heat it up. When I got back into the livin room, they were still goin strong, an Igor was shoutin, ‘Zally-Ann, Zally-Ann!’ An her eyes were rollin in her head as he’s ridin her further up the window, so I just sauntered on into my bedroom to eat in there an left them to it. I was a bit worried that the weight of the two of them pushin against the window would crack it open an they’d end up fallin into the street. But they were havin too much fun to interrupt them for a health an safety talk. An then again, Big Sally-Ann might want to get her arm broken or somethin to get a claim cos she was torturin me about gettin the money up for a fag run. An the last time she ’ d needed a bit of cash quick, she ’ d run out on the road in front of a bin lorry an got concussion from whackin her head off the road. So I left them to it an I sat on my bed an started to eat the Chinese.
    Then, I got a text from Mr Big that said, ‘I’m sorry for being like this. I will come and stay the night with you tomorrow, I promise.’ An I was so excited I spat out the noodles in my mouth an yelled, ‘Yesssss! Yesssss!’ just as Big Sally-Ann next door was screamin, ‘Yeesssss! Yesssss! Yyoooouuuuu rrraaannnggg?’

An Ice-cream Poke
    The next day I could hardly contain myself with thinkin about Mr Big comin to stay the night with me. I couldn’t concentrate on Jeremy Kyle enough even to work out if the chavs were lyin or not, an I always guess it right. Big Sally-Ann an Igor had stayed the night on my sofa an I woke up to him growlin an her wailin an I knew they were at it again. An I was a bit annoyed, like, cos there was Igor only with her a few days an already spendin the night, an Mr Big was only just thinkin about it now. But better late than never.
    So, after Igor left, Big Sally-Ann an me had a bacon sambo an a smoke an I got the lowdown on their relationship. She was in love with him an he had said he loved her too. Then he had said he was probably gonna have to leave the country within weeks an Big Sally-Ann was gutted about that. I was a bit worried about where the relationship was gonna go myself cos I’d heard on the radio that some twat had been fixin marriages to get his family into England. An when he ran out of women to agree to be brides for him, he used to get the men to come here on holiday, shag needy women an then propose to them. Then the women that got married were dumped as soon as the men got in the country. I was gonna have to keep my eye on the big girl, cos she was smitten.
    After she left, I tried to have a doze but I couldn’t settle. I kept thinkin about Mr Big in my bed an what he was gonna do to me. Then, when I was wonderin how I was going to put the day in, I got a text from Sinead askin me if I wanted to go into town for a bit of shopliftin. She wanted to get some make up to sell on the internet so we went into Debenhams. Those tarts on the counter looked at us like we were scumbags an that just made me want to steal more.
    So, we got this girl that was about six foot tall, with bright red lipstick on, a pointy nose an big drawn-on