A Decent Ride by Irvine Welsh Read Free Book Online

cause sometimes ah feel awfay bad aboot ma wee Jinty, workin aw they different cleanin joabs in they office blocks in toon, aye, ah dae. But ah ey make sure thit thaire’s a Findus frozen pizza n McCain oven chips, the type she likes, ready for her whin she comes in. Even whin it’s a nightshift n she’s no in till the wee ooirs, aye, ah make sure her pizza’s thaire, sur.
    Findus.
    Sometimes it wid be double barry if ah could learn tae drive a motor, like ma brar Hank, whae drives yon forklift truck. N Jinty sometimes sais tae ays: yir no that daft, Jonty, ah mean, yir ey oan that Internet, ye kin work a computer, so ye could easy learn tae drive a car. Raymond Gittings wid be able tae git ye mair work at yon paintin!
    N ah suppose she’s right, but tae me that’s no what it’s aboot. Ah eywis say that if God wanted us tae go like that eh wid huv gied us wheels instead ay feet. Aye, eh wid. N ah’m jist a simple country lad fae Penicuik. Drivin around in a big, fancy car widnae be fir the likes ay me. Aye sur, Penicuik. Hank ey sais, dinnae keep goan oan aboot Penicuik bein the country, Jonty, cause it’s no the country n it’s no been the country fir a long time.
    Aye, but it’s still country tae me, see? Aye sur, aye it is. Ye kin see the Pentland Hills fae muh ma’s hoose, so that makes it country tae me. Aye sur, aye it does. Two buses. Aye.
    One ay the best things, but, is this Internet. Ah like this barry website that trains ye what ye dae if thaire’s a war. How tae make bombs n that. American likes, aye, it is that, ye kin tell by the wey it reads aw funny, aye sur, aye sur. Distress flare.
    N ah hears the door gaun n Jinty’s comin in n she’s cauld. So ah shuts oaf the computer cause ah dinnae want her tae think ah’ve been oan it aw day. Her wee face is aw pinched n rid. — Sit doon by the bar fire thaire, Jinty, ah goes, — ah made ye some ay that Batchelors soup, no real soup, but the poodird sort ye pour the water ower.
    — Thanks, pal, Jinty sais, — it’ll pit a rerr heat in me.
    — It will, a rerr heat. Aye. That’s whit ah thoat. Aye sur, an awfay guid heat. N thaire’s pizza n chips eftir! Findus!
    N wee Jinty smiles aw kind n sais, — Yir a wee darling, ye ken that?
    Ah sortay blushes aw rid n then ah pats ma wee boaby man but through ma jeans n goes, — Ah ken what else’ll pit a rerr heat in ye, Jinty, aye sur, ah do that.
    But Jinty jist looks aw sad n goes, — No the night, pal, ah’m awfay tired. Ah’m gaun right tae ma kip eftir ma tea, ay. Mibbe the morn but, ay, she goes, then looks at the computer then back at ays wi one eye screwed shut. — Huv you been oan that Internet again?
    — Aye, thaire’s a barry website that tells ye what tae dae if thaire’s a war.
    — As long as yir no lookin at nookie websites!
    — Naw, ah am not, naw, naw . . .
    — Jist jokin, Jonty! Dinnae worry aboot nookie, yi’ll git it the morn!
    — Aye, sur, the morn, ah goes. N ah ken thit she’s no that keen since she’s been daein they late, late shifts in that oafice. Awfay tired, n nae wonder, oan that backshift. Aye sur, aye sur, aye sur: constant backshift. N it disnae worry me; ah jist snuggle up tae wee Jinty in bed n listen tae the stormy weather oan the weather channel n they shippin reports. N if ma wee boaby felly gits hard ah jist gie it a sly wee tug till the funny stuff aw spurts oot, n then ah faw right intae a deep sleep. N if Jinty sees the sheets ur messy in the mornin n goes, ‘What’s aw this?’ ah’ll jist go, ‘Ah must huv been dreamin aboot ye, hen.’ N she’ll jist laugh n go, ‘Ah dinnae think ah’m giein you enough, Jonty MacKay, ya randy wee devil!’ N then she’ll grab a hud ah ays n it’ll aw be double barry!
    Aye, it’s great bein wi wee Jinty. Jinty n Jonty, Jonty n Jinty. Sometimes we argue aboot which yin comes first. She’ll go: Jinty n Jonty. Then ah’ll go: Jonty n Jinty. N we’ll hae a big laugh aboot it. Aye we will! Aye sur, aye