A Fate Worse Than Death by Jonathan Gould Read Free Book Online

up a program.”
    I had a feeling we could go around and around with this for a couple of days. And while the idea of a nonsensical debate with this absurd angel had its appeal, I wasn’t sure I had that much time to spare.
    “So Phil also wanted to set up this charitable society?” I asked, trying to bring the conversation back to the main subject of investigation.
    “Not exactly. He had some concerns. Something to do with cost-effectiveness and return on investment. That’s what we were going to discuss.”
    “But Phil never showed up, did he.”
    “No, he didn’t,” said Raphael.
    “Do you have any idea why he didn’t show up?”
    “Of course I know why he didn’t show up. He sent me a written apology.”
    A written apology from a missing man? Could this be the clue I was looking for?
    “You don’t happen to have this apology with you?” I said, trying to do my best imitation of Gabriel and not sound too interested.
    “As a matter of fact I do.” Raphael reached into his pocket and took out a small note. He handed it to me. I read it.
    Dear Raphael,
    I am sorry I could not meet you. I am extremely busy helping God out with some very important work.
    Yours sincerely,
    Phil
    I had to stifle a chuckle. I’d seen more convincing excuses coming from school kids with missing homework. Then, in response to a tingling in my nose, I held the note up to my face. It reeked of tobacco. That confirmed my suspicions. Clearly this was little more than another of God’s attempts to cover up His son’s disappearance. As a clue, it was as helpful as a telephone operator with laryngitis.
    I made to hand the note back to Raphael, but he was kneeling in front of me, looking at the ground. Eventually, he stood up and held something in front of my face.
    “Look at this,” he said.
    “It’s a chocolate wrapper,” I said, because it was.
    “It’s rubbish.” Raphael screwed up his face as he carefully folded the wrapper and placed it in a pocket of his robe.
    “Can we get back to the subject of Phil?” I said, trying once more to return the note to Raphael.
    “Oh, sorry,” he said, taking it from me. “It’s just that Heaven has become such a dirty place lately.”
    “I understand.” Perhaps I lied just a tiny bit, but if Raphael wanted to believe that one piece of garbage on an otherwise pristine street made Heaven a dirty place, I was quite prepared to accept it. “So what do you think about this note?”
    “I think it’s pretty clear. Phil was too busy to meet me.”
    “Is that unusual?”
    Raphael thought for a moment. “It’s funny you should ask that. Most people in Heaven seem to be too busy to meet me. They’re always washing their hair or mowing their lawn or changing the channel on their television. But not Phil. Phil’s usually the one who’ll always be there, rain, hail, or shine.”
    “So why do you think he couldn’t make it this time? Do you have any idea what might be keeping him so busy?”
    “Well, now that you mention it, I do recall Phil saying something about . . . ” Raphael’s voice petered out as he lost himself in his recollections.
    “Something about what?”
    “It was something about . . . ” Raphael seemed to be having a lot of trouble remembering. I began to wonder if he really couldn’t remember, or if he was perhaps too frightened to.
    “Tell me.” I grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to shake the memory out of him.
    “Oh my goodness, I just remembered,” he cried, jerking himself away from my grasp.
    “What was it? What did Phil tell you?”
    “It’s not about that. I just remembered my meals-on-wheels service was meant to start five minutes ago. Can you please take this? I have to go right now.”
    Before I could say anything, I found myself standing alone in the middle of the school crossing, holding onto the stop sign as Raphael ran off down the street.
    I stood there for quite a few minutes, just in case there were any stragglers.
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