A Mother's Secret by Amy Clipston Read Free Book Online

going to a former Amish community in Missouri. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave my community.” Carolyn shrugged. “He didn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face that he was leaving. He left a note for me with one of the other boys who worked with us. All it said was, ‘I can’t stay here. I wanted you to go with me. I hope you understand that I need to go now.’ How was I supposed to understand why he left? But I’m just thankful that God gave me the courage to face the consequences. I’ve always tried to be the best mamm I could without a husband to support me.”
    Ruth’s expression was filled with sympathy. “I can’t imagine how difficult it was to become a mutter at such a young age.”
    “It was terrible. Some days I would just hide in my room and cry until mei mamm forced me to come out. I missed out on so much of the fun of being young. I couldn’t go to singings, and I never dated after that.”
    “You’ve never dated?”
    “Not since I was sixteen.” Carolyn smoothed her hands over her apron while she thought about her youth. “ Mei mamm told me I could go to singings, but mei dat made me feel guilty about it. He constantly reminded me how hard mei mamm worked at home and how unfair it was for me to go out with mei freinden while mei mamm looked after the kind that was born after my terrible sin.”
    Ruth sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
    Carolyn smiled. “You don’t have to be sorry. I love my son. He wasn’t planned, and being his mamm hasn’t been easy. But I love him with all my heart. I want to shield him from the shame I’ve had to bear all my life.”
    “Is that why you never told me?” Ruth leaned back against the table in the middle of the room. “Were you afraid I would judge you?”
    “No.” Carolyn frowned. “I don’t know. How can you not judge me? I don’t want our friendship to change.”
    “Our friendship won’t change, Carolyn. You’ll always be mei freind . We all make mistakes. We’re all human. None of us are perfect in God’s sight.”
    “I know, but people still treat me differently. Mei dat treats Benjamin like he’s his own kind , and people who don’t really know us think Ben is my nephew. But mei dat treats me differently. It’s as if he’ll never go back to seeing me as his dochder . I know he’s forgiven me, but I wonder if he’ll ever act like he’s truly forgiven me.”
    She shook her head as her thoughts turned to her brother. “And then there’s Amos. He reminds me constantly of the mistake I made and the sacrifices my parents have made to raise Ben like their own. He’s pressuring me to get married so that my son is legitimized and has a full-time dat . I guess Amos thinks I need to move out so that my parents can enjoy their golden years together, alone. I pray constantly that Amos will forgive me.”
    “But you are forgiven in God’s eyes.” Ruth squeezed Carolyn’s hands. “He has forgiven you already. He forgave you as soon as you asked him to.”
    “ Danki , Ruth. Mei mamm has said the same thing and tells me to keep praying for mei dat and Amos. I do pray for them, but I’m also aggravated. I know I made a mistake, but I want a normal life for my son. I dream at night that someday I’ll find the right man who will love both me and my son.” Carolyn sighed. “Amos wants to find me someone who will marry me as soon as possible. In fact, he’s found a widower who will accept me despite my past sin. He doesn’t understand that I don’t want a marriage of convenience. I want to marry for love. I want a man who will accept Ben and me and then build a family with us. I want a man to fall in love with me, not just see me as a decent wife and housekeeper.”
    Ruth nodded. “You keep praying for that. You’ll find it.”
    “ Danki , but I don’t think I ever will. I’m certain God is punishing me for my past sin. I’m supposed to be alone.”
    “No, that’s not true. Our God