A Pinch of Ooh La La by Renee Swindle Read Free Book Online

Eyes Were Watching God
,
The Lord of the Rings
,
The Catcher in the Rye
. I’d sit in her studio and read, or she’d listen to me ramble about my teenage woes. She wore women’s suits and leather gloves and hats as though there were a 1940s motorcade waiting.
    Bendrix gave her a tour of the dating site while she looked on. “Love and romance as algorithm. Interesting.” When he showed her Relaxin’s photo she said, “A photo doesn’t mean much until you meet a person and can look him in the eye.”
    â€œShe’s not looking for a conversation,” cracked Bailey.
    â€œJoan’s right,” said Rita. “But if you’re going to look him in the eye, Abbey, you need to contact him. Right, Bendrix?”
    â€œYes,” said Bendrix. “We need to make contact and send him a note. See what he says.”
    I looked around the room. “Do I get a say in any of this?”
    â€œNot really,” Bendrix said.
    â€œWrite and tell him Abbey hasn’t had a good lay in four years,” said Bailey. “That should get his attention.”
    I leaned back against the couch. “I don’t know,” I moaned. “He’s cute, but—”
    â€œBuuuuut . . .” Bailey dragged her mouth for all it was worth. “This is exactly what happens when you stop having sex. You become a whiner, bringing everybody down.”
    â€œYou only live once,” offered Rita.
    â€œAnd your life is passing you by,” said Bendrix. “I have no idea who you’re looking for if not someone like this. As far as I can tell, the only thing wrong with him is that he’s straight.”
    â€œI guess.” I looked at Joan.
    â€œDo what you want.” She shrugged. “Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This is your life, not ours.”
    I gazed around the room until Bailey sat up and sighed. “Goodness, child, you’re not marrying the guy. Just send him a damn note.”
    â€œOkay, okay! Forgive me for wanting to think this through.” I wiggled my fingers at Bendrix and he handed me the tablet. “What should I say?”
    Bailey laughed. “Tell him he’s fine as hell and you want to fuck his brains out.”
    Rita clicked her tongue. “Even after all these years . . .” She crossed her legs, looking peeved. Bailey’s loud mouth, in other words, still riled her at times.
    I took a moment to gather my thoughts. “Let’s see . . . ‘Dear RelaxinbytheBay, in the world of online dating, you seem like a find. I hope you like my profile and I hear from you soon. Sincerely, Abbey.’”
    â€œI love it,” said Rita.
    â€œShort, sweet, and to the point,” said Bendrix. He moved my hand aside and clicked “send” before I had a chance to reread thenote, edit the note, or otherwise chicken out. “That’s that. Now, what do you say we join the party?” He rose from the couch and extended his hand to Rita.
    â€œWe need to work on you next, Benny,” she said. “We can’t let your good looks go to waste. It’s time you started thinking about settling down.”
    â€œYeah, Bendrix,” I said sarcastically. “How long has it been since Anthony?”
    He stood erect as soon as I dropped the A-bomb. He pulled his shoulders back and tilted his chin upward like an aristocrat speaking to his servants; sometimes Bendrix could be so haughty he seemed best suited for coat, tails, and a monocle over one eye. “This isn’t about me,” he said, going for his tablet.
    â€œIt should be,” I said. “Word on the street is that you only live once.”
    â€œWell, I . . . at least I—”
    Bailey shot up from the couch, saving him from having to finish with the bull. “Dinah is ruining my song,” Bailey shot out. “You all hear that?”
    My sister’s voice seeped up through