A Pretty Pill by Criss Copp Read Free Book Online

is shattering. I’m so fractured and broken, I don’t know the old Jade anymore; she’s floating on one of those pieces of fractured soul in the miasma that is barely focusing me together.
    I continue to pretend to everyone that everything is okay ; that I am okay!  In reality, I’m just not here.  I’m in the ‘somewhere,’ wherever that is; waiting for my opportunity to break free... trapped in a torment that is never ending... but I’m not here!
    Silas’ pain is my pain...
    My pain is my pain...
    All loss is my loss...
    I don’t begin or end. I’m a desolate husk of a fractured being that has no idea how to heal, because nobody wants to save me. Not even Silas; because he’s struggling too much with the demons that desperately cling to his soul.  And because I define myself within his struggle to be free of them, I am a slave to the drama; a slave to the feeling of helplessness that engulfs me every time Silas struggles to keep his feet walking one step at a time.  I wanted so much to be my own person, free and unencumbered, it will never be like that again!  I hate that Jade now... she’s an accomplishment I’ll never know; she left me behind in this chaos... I hate her... I hate me!
     
    ***
     
    “Miss Tayte?” Silas’ doctor indicates that I can enter now.
    Silas remains with his head in his hands, seated next to Doctor Ingal’s desk; and he appears completely destroyed.
    “I’m increasing the dose of Sertraline for him, and I think we can get rid of the Dex Amphetamines, since they don’t appear to be working anyway;  I think it’s questionable that he ever had ADHD.  I’d like to see him having 50mg of Phenergan every night to assist him to sleep; and I’d like to see him for a review in a fortnight’s time.
    I need help with Silas , and of course that help seems to always consist of taking more pills that don’t solve the problem. 
    Help is never packaged the way you need it.  I need a holiday... I need to know that another Jade can walk in and take my spot and do things the way that Silas needs them to be done.  And then I need to take off for a month and get my shit together; have time to scream and kick and hit... to tell the cosmos that I fucking hate it!  That should take about five days. And after that, I’ll need the rest of the month to glue myself back together... puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
    Nobody even offers me any real kind of help.  Nobody tells me I’m doing a good job; and nobody lets me know if it’s all going to be okay; or even warn me about the dilemma that is looming around the corner!
    So we’re back to pretending.  I’m back to crying in the dark and being everything I can for Silas in the day, because it’s the only way I can define myself at all; by building him up and giving him a reason to live and grow.
    It’s official... my life sux... a whole lot!

Chapter Five: The Fifth Year
     
    ...January…
    “God... I’m so proud of you!” I squeal, as I wrap Silas in my arms and squeeze... “First day at work!” I enthuse.
    “Get off me you freak.” He says half heartedly but with a genuine smile.
    “No more school!”  I enthuse.
    “Thank fuck!” Silas swears, and pushes my head away from him.
    “Hands off the head and face dickhead!” I snap good naturedly.
    “I’m the dickhead?”  he laughs.
    “Yes... I don’t even have access to a dick!” I reason.
    “Too much information!” he groans.
    “Whatever!  Have you got your lunch packed?” I ask him, as he goes to place his backpack on.   And as for the dick comment... I’ve had it with guys. I’ve not made it easy, sure; but I have put myself out there... I have been on dating sites, and I get on really well with them, until I talk about my brother and explain I’m his carer, and just tentatively warn them about his aggressive behaviours. Then they back right the fuck off!  I’m pretty sick of the male population, they’re all arseholes... NO exception; that includes