Abnormal Occurrences by Thomas Berger Read Free Book Online Page B

had sprung up when she entered the room and bowed elaborately, as he had not done for me, and kissed Myra’s wrist.
    I added, repetitiously, “You might find this hard to believe.”
    “Why should I?” Myra asked, with a sparkling smile for the benign-looking alien, obviously reluctant to let go his hand. “I’ve been expecting that one of these days someone like this would come to reach out to us in our ignorance.”
    “Thank you, Myra Clendenning,” said Wonk, “but I’m afraid we’re the ignorant ones. I’ve only just been taught by your friend how to sit down and that there are other things to eat than ants, though I hope I’m not being rude in saying that there’s still nothing tastier.”
    “What in the world has he given you to drink?” Myra asked, then glared at me and said, “Open the Talbot, for heaven’s sake.”
    “I think we might wait for that,” I told her. “Everything’s so new.”
    “It’s my property,” she said irritably though continuing to beam at Wonk. She went to the under-sink area that served as wine cellar and brought out the only bottle that remained there. She had bought it on sale somewhere. I suspected it was an off-year, though I can never find one of those little vintage-cards when I want to.
    Myra deftly extracted the cork with the two-pronged non-screw gadget that I have never mastered. “I know,” she said to Wonk, “that you undoubtedly have much to teach us, not only about technology, but the more important issues. Foremost among them would be how to live in peace with one another.” She poured some wine for him.
    “Myra,” I said, “he doesn’t drink from a glass. You’d better—”
    “Teach us,” Myra said. “Oh, teach us how to live together.”
    “Goodness gracious,” said Wonk. “I’m afraid we’re the last people who could do that. You see, we were able to come to power only because our old bosses went elsewhere in the galaxy to find new people to conquer and treat like scum. But now we’re in the lamentable situation of being on top, with nobody else underneath us, no inferior folks to despise and mistreat.” He gave me a sheepish look. “I must apologize for lying to you, Tony Walsh. We came here not only to look for food. We were searching for slaves. But it didn’t take me any time at all to see that if you are representative of Earth’s population, we would be savagely whipped if we tried anything here. You have every advantage: you can eat and drink anything, you tame and keep as pet an animal who would otherwise be ferocious, and you have a friend who smells sweet and speaks melodiously. I suspect she’s an example of your females.”
    Myra hated being spoken of as if she were absent, and she moved quickly to assert herself. “I admire your humility,” said she. “We can certainly learn a lesson from that. But don’t sell yourselves short. Let me suggest that you get more particular in your search: look for inferior individuals , not peoples. I assure you, the former are in abundance. True, collecting them one by one can be tedious, but the effort will be well worth it.”
    “Myra,” I cried. “What are you saying?” To Wonk I hastened to say, “Myra is known for her sense of irony . Let me explain that term—”
    “No need for that,” said he. “It’s certainly one thing we are familiar with: pretending that what everyone knows is true is really false, and vice versa. It was the only way we survived when under the thumb of the Bosses. We could use less of it now they’ve gone, but unfortunately we just can’t seem to shake off the habit, even though it really makes no sense nowadays.”
    “You just let me characterize my own mystique,” Myra said nastily to me. She turned to Wonk. “I was not being ironic. If you want a collection of boneheads, just come to the company for which I work, or go to the nation’s capital or to any state legislature.”
    I had not realized she was such an anarchist. I shrugged