Above His Station by Darren Craske Read Free Book Online

terribly important that I speak with my superiors.’
    “ Superiors? ” asked the voice.
    ‘Yes, a tiger has been squashed by one of our trains and I need to-’
    “ Tiger? ” asked the voice.
    ‘Did you not hear what I just said?’ I enquired, losing my rag a bit. ‘There’s been an accident!’
    ‘Hold up, Gramps, my spider-sense is tingling,’ said the rat. ‘Lift me up, will you?’
    I dutifully obliged, cussing impatiently under my breath. ‘This man’s a buffoon.’
    ‘Lovely day,’ said the rat into the speaker.
    “ Lovely day, lovely day ,” replied the voice back through it.
    ‘Tits,’ said the rat, and at that point I quickly snatched it away.
    ‘Have you gone mad? That’s a security guard for Buckingham Palace you’re speaking to, you nincompoop! That’s not going to help us get this thing open, is it?’
    ‘Just lift me back up there,’ said the rat. ‘I want to try something.’
    Against my better judgement, I did so.
    ‘Tits,’ said the rat again.
    “ Tits, ” said the mechanized voice.
    ‘Great big jugs,’ added the rat.
    ‘ Great big jugs! Great big jugs! ’ repeated the voice.
    ‘With nipples like fucking champagne corks,’ the rat concluded.
    I was absolutely appalled, and not for the first time that day felt like giving the rat a fat lip - if such a thing were possible. I placed the creature back down on the ground before it could do any more damage. I had a serious situation on my hands, and all it could think of was shouting obscenities! Now we wouldn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of ever getting through that-
    “ Nipples like fucking champagne corks! ” I heard the rat say – except I didn’t, as its lips didn’t move. I was about to conclude that not only could this rat talk, but it was also a fairly impressive ventriloquist, when I realised that the voice had come from the speaker behind me…
    ‘Don’t you get it?’ said the rat. ‘It’s not a person. It’s a fucking parrot!’
    I felt all the air whoosh from my lungs. Surely that couldn’t be right. But then again, I wasn’t exactly an expert on what ‘right’ was supposed to be anymore and I was rapidly losing my grip on things that had formerly been so assured. None of this made any sense whatsoever, so lord knows why I was still so intent on looking for it.
    ‘No, wait….it’s not a parrot,’ said the rat.
    I felt my body compact out of sheer relief.
    ‘It sounds more like a mynah bird,’ added the rat, and then I found myself getting all puffed up again.
    ‘ A mynah bird? ’ I yelled. ‘What’s a bloody mynah bird doing in charge of a security checkpoint for Buckingham Palace?’
    It looks a bit odd when a rat shrugs. It’s impossible to tell whether they’re actually shrugging or if they’re just having some sort of epileptic fit, which is probably why you don’t see them do it very often.
    ‘I give up!’ I said, throwing my hands in the air. ‘This day is turning out to be one nightmare after another! What else could possibly go wrong?’
    ‘Don’t tempt fate, Gramps,’ said the rat. ‘You haven’t seen street level yet.’
    ‘No, and there’s precious little hope of me getting the chance at this rate!’ I said. ‘Not unless we can get past this bloody barrier, anyway.’
    ‘There’s always the way the tiger came in,’ suggested the rat. ‘From one of the other stations somewhere along the line maybe? Why don’t we backtrack and check it out?’
    ‘Because the rails are live, that’s why!’ I snapped. ‘One slip and we’d be barbecued on the spot. It’s a miracle the tiger made it through without getting shocked.’
    ‘It looked a bit shocked when the train hit it.’
    ‘That’s not funny,’ I told the rat, firmly. ‘Have you got any other bright ideas?’
    ‘We could always ask the bird to open the door for us.’
    ‘Are you being serious?’ I gasped.
    ‘Hey, if it’s a choice between getting hit with a few thousand volts and seeing if we can