Adventures of a London Call Boy by Ben Franckx Read Free Book Online

some sort of safety measure. On a couple of occasions it took little more than a brief exchange of words to find myself throat deep in an account handler or sales exec. Occasionally, after an early shift, I’d knock off at six to, well, knock off with the same girl; after all, it’s rude not to return favours.
    It was Celeste who suggested that I might have an addiction.
    â€˜How many girls have you had sex with in the last month?’ she asked me. She was propping up the bar, considering a cigarette, while I lazily wiped a glass and eyed up the female half of a business deal who looked like a distinct possibility. Celeste and I had shared a flat for a year or so, after she’d fallen out with an old school chum who wanted to move a boyfriend in, and I’d decided I no longer wanted to share a house with six other people and only one bathroom.
    â€˜Are you jealous? We could share,’ I said to her.
    â€˜No. Moron,’ she sneered. ‘But seriously. You don’t know, do you?’
    I thought briefly. ‘Ten maybe. Fifteen? Possibly.’
    â€˜Shit. Cesc, that’s ridiculous.’
    â€˜It’s been a good month. You know the joke, right?’
    â€˜Joke?’
    â€˜What’s the difference between a car tyre and thirty used condoms?’
    â€˜I don’t know,’ she said, trying not to look like she cared.
    â€˜One’s a Goodyear, one’s a good month.’
    â€˜Ha ha,’ she said, without a smile. ‘Seriously, though. It’s a lot.’
    â€˜Maybe. By the way, are we counting head?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜But eating’s not cheating.’
    â€˜You don’t have anyone to cheat on. And it’s still eating,’ she added vaguely stirring her Tanq’ and tonic.
    â€˜Anyway, shut up. Someone will hear. I’d hate to give the wrong impression.’
    â€˜You idiot. Anyway,’ she continued, fiddling with her unnecessary indoor shades, ‘you’ve got a problem.’
    â€˜It would only be a problem if I couldn’t get any. I don’t even think there’s such a thing as sex addiction. An addiction would be your smoking. I’m sure your smoking is a comforter. Did your first boyfriend have a really small, two-tone dick? With a Marlboro tattoo up the side?’
    â€˜Screw you.’
    â€˜You know it’s bad for your health. Maybe if you didn’t smoke you’d have better sex.’
    â€˜I’d rather go into a convent than give up.’
    â€˜You see, Celeste, you’re the one with the addiction. What would you do if they banned it properly?’
    â€˜I’d still smoke,’ she said, determinedly.
    â€˜You’ll be fined, you know. Or jailed. You know, Celeste, I’d like to see a pretty girl like you in a women’s jail.’
    She stuck her tongue out at me.
    â€˜That’s a real long tongue you got. You’re gonna need it where you’re going.’
    â€˜Piss off,’ she said.
    â€˜Seriously though, what about the fine? It’s a lot of money.’
    â€˜I’d smoke if the punishment was death. I’d rather die than quit,’ she said, now annoyed at me.
    I grabbed her cigarettes and made to throw them into the sink.
    â€˜Hey!’ she said, grabbing my wrist.
    â€˜See. That’s an addiction.’
    â€˜I could quit if I wanted.’
    â€˜Celeste, you just said that you’d rather die than quit.’
    â€˜Rather die than have them make me quit, I said. I could quit if I wanted to.’
    I broke off a second to serve a customer, an older guy, a big Irish builder off the site, who looked over towards Celeste as if he were about to make a come-on.
    â€˜Don’t bother, mate,’ I said.
    â€˜What?’ he asked.
    â€˜She’s,’ I whispered across the bar, ‘how can I say this. She’s a woman in comfortable shoes, you know.’
    â€˜Oh. I see.’
    He sipped his beer and rubbed