All I Love and Know by Judith Frank Read Free Book Online Page B

because he was a big sissy. One Christmas when he was about ten, he had stolen his cousin Teddy’s brand-new toy soldiers, doused them with lighter fluid he found out in the garage, and set them on fire. “Napalm,” he explained with a steely look at his cousin as his mother gripped his arm and a big black, rancid fire smoked. Teddy cried “You freak!” and burst into tears, which Matt remembered to this day with satisfaction.
    He heard Daniel come out of the bathroom and join the fray, speaking quickly in Hebrew, and then he heard the baby’s cry, and silence fell over the apartment.
    BY THE TIME IT was his turn to shower, the water was cold. He stood shivering and swearing, turning off the water and furiously rubbing his head with shampoo till the suds ran down his wrists and arms, then rinsed, then soaped himself up again, all over. His nipples were as hard as pebbles, his dick shrunk back like a turtle’s head. He scrubbed himself so hard his arm muscles hurt. He got out and toweled off, pushing his dirty pants and underwear into the corner of the bathroom with his toe, and stopped dead when he realized he hadn’t brought any clean clothes in with him. He thought for a second, then thought, Fuck it , and wrapped the towel securely around his waist. He tiptoed quickly back to his room through the apartment, his toweled-off hair standing straight up and dripping down his neck—passing through the living room where Daniel, dressed in black pants and a white dress shirt, was nuzzling the baby, and his mother was crying. “Don’t mind me,” Matt waved, with a grimace. As he was closing the bedroom door behind him, he heard Yaakov ask, “Who is that?”
    He picked through the open suitcase on the floor, found underwear and his white shirt, only slightly wrinkled. He was pulling on his pants when the bedroom door slid open gently, and Daniel eased in with the freshly diapered baby in his arms, baby clothes clamped under his armpit, and slid the door firmly closed again. “They want to know why you’re always half-naked,” he said. Matt ignored him and approached the baby. Noam had wispy brown hair, dark eyes in a moon face with multiple chins. “Hey, little baby,” Matt said softly, looking at his lover’s face and suddenly seeing the handsome dad, which made his heart hurt. “I’m Matt,” he told the baby. He took Noam’s hand and shook it gently, and the baby’s face broke into a smile so crooked and goofy, his little tongue sticking out between his teeth, that Matt laughed out loud.
    Daniel laid Noam on the bed and began pulling pants over his fat legs, while Matt leaned over Noam’s face and nuzzled him, and Noam grabbed onto his hair. “Ouch,” he said, and extricated himself. He looked at the baby’s fuzzy tulip skin, the purple shadow of his nipples. “Almost a year, huh. Can he talk?” he asked Daniel.
    Daniel straightened and stared at him, his eyes narrowed in thought. “Beats me,” he said, shrugging, and they both laughed. Matt pulled Daniel into his arms, and Daniel cried “Don’t!” and pulled away. “I can’t do this right now,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, baby.”
    â€œOkay,” Matt said. Daniel turned back to Noam, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes with his forearm. As Matt finished dressing, Daniel pulled the waist of the pants over Noam’s diaper; he scrunched up the shirt to the collar and pulled it over the baby’s head, and stuffed his arms clumsily into the sleeves.
    â€œThere,” he said, and picked Noam up. “Are you ready?” His lips grazed the baby’s cheek.
    â€œWhy isn’t he crying?” Matt asked. His fingers grew still over the buttons of his shirt as a thought occurred to him. “How do babies mourn, anyway?”
    â€œI have no idea,” Daniel said.
    Matt considered. “You