Almost Royalty: A Romantic Comedy...of Sorts by Courtney Hamilton Read Free Book Online

13, the moment we understood that we were in competition for something we didn’t even understand—the attraction of other people. The Female Scorecard was pretty simple: If one of your friends should suddenly be alone—not in a relationship—it gave
you
a point on your mental Scorecard if you happened to be in a relationship at that time. Likewise, if
you
fell out of a relationship, it gave your girlfriends a point on their scorecard if they were in a relationship—because they were in a relationship and you weren’t. Yes, it was petty and ridiculous, because even your friends who were in stupid relationships with abusive idiots thought they were better than you, because you were alone and they were in a relationship.
    Why? Because after ending a relationship the hard part came. No, not being alone.
    The hard part was getting back into a relationship, because getting back into a relationship meant that you were going to cycle through those humiliating L.A. Singles Activities such as:
    #1. Wine for Social Climbers —Along with pretending that you give a damn about cigars, wine courses at any of the restaurants or wine shops, a single’s playground, the first baby step in distancing yourself from your ancestry in Butte, Montana—necessary for those who have decided that it raises one’s social profile to B-Level Civilian Royalty—to know the difference between a Chardonnay, a Viognier, and a Sauvignon Blanc, and a good combination with:
    #2. Restaurant of the Moment Finders —Generally, the activity of the sedentary, overweight, male crowd, a group more familiar with the Food Network than anything on ESPN, who are characterized by the elaborate game of food expert that they play with thinly-veiled condescension. The ones with ambition pretend to be a partner in the Celebrity or Civilian Royalty LLP which has just opened the restaurant of the moment. The more arrogant ones pretend to have discovered the obscure restaurant in L.A. County that served a delicacy—eel marinated in yogurt—which you never dreamt of eating.
    #3. Museum Trustee Wannabes —Certified single jerks hoping to meet Civilian Royalty, who play an elaborate game of one-upmanship at art-related functions while knowing nothing about art and not having the cash to become a museum trustee.
    #4. Political Activists —Young, youngish Westsiders usually involved in environmentally-related causes, who hope to possibly get an invitation to a Celebrity Political Royalty fundraiser or find a date at various political functions.
    #5. Non-Practicing Catholics/‌Christians/‌Jews —Usually a gathering in the form of a non-religious fun service such as a “Shabbat for Singles,” populated by those date-seeking individuals who were raised as Catholics, Christians, or Jews but who are now completely indifferent to the subject of organized religion.
    #6. Elite College Alumni Singles —The absolute poser group of them all, frequented by those who haven’t made good on their prestigious educations, but still are under the illusion that having an Ivy League education means something when you’re 37 years old and still working as an assistant.
    #7. Online Dating/‌Friend Set-ups —Everyone knows someone who claims to have made this work. However, the other 99.9999 percent have found this to be morbidly depressing.
    But there sat Josh. Somehow, he had passed an unspoken L.A. category, that being: “Got the First One Out of the Way.”
    I don’t know when it first struck me that people were looking at first marriages like affordable first homes, like an item to be acquired and discarded on your way to something better. For some reason, it was presumed that women would be lining up for him.
    Josh seemed pretty pleased with himself. He was not the slightest bit embarrassed by his “almost single” status.
    He seemed empowered. It was as if—for him—his failed first marriage had given him greatly enhanced desirability.
    And I was alone and never