Does it mean he respects me enough to not sleep with me when I’m in a relationship? Or is it respect for Carl?
Either way, I spent all night thinking it over, and came to the conclusion that Bing just wants in my pants. It ’s okay, because I want in his too. Regardless of his old reputation.
Apparently old reputation. Do I believe it? Eh. About as much as I ’d believe a pregnant woman telling me she’s a virgin. Bing doesn’t do celibate and apart from a four month relationship last year, he doesn’t do them either.
Not that he necessarily does fidelity. He ’s about as faithful as a rabbit in mating season bonking their way round the rabbit hole.
So. .. Sex is good. The best way to get over someone is to get under them, right? Maybe I just need to man up... Yikes. I don’t want a penis . Ahem . Maybe I just need to woman up, and woman handle him into my bedroom.
Yes. We can go for that. We ’ll get together, leave emotion at the door, and have a good old spring bounce on the bed. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
~
BING
People are exes for a reason, and when I look into the pleading puppy dog eyes of my ex, Heidi, I wonder why the fuck she was ever in the position to become an ex in the first place.
“No.” I say flatly. “I have a place to be.”
“ Bing, please, we were so good together.” She tries to trail a finger down my arm and my skin crawls at the thought.
“ Still no.” I move away from her. “Bye, Heidi.”
“ Bing! I forgive you, you know. I don’t care if you cheated.”
Jesus Christ, is she fucking stupid?
“Heidi, listen. I didn’t give a shit six months ago, I don’t give a shit today, and I probably won’t tomorrow either. Do yourself a favour and stop making a fool of yourself.” I leave without looking, and ask myself why I have.
That there, my friends, was sex on a plate. With a fucking birthday candle and sprinkles.
It was also as ugly as hell. What have I been doing my whole life?
‘ Maybe you should find a nice girl to settle down with ,’ Grammy said before she died. Good logic, not enough execution.
Here ’s the thing; the girls I sleep with are nice enough, they give me what I want, and most of them leave without a fuss. I’m mildly, if not highly attracted to them. Sometimes, if I like them enough, I’ll have another go.
I liked Heidi enough to stick around for three months, and become ‘exclusive’ before my dick developed its own brain, and ran after the next girl with a half decent pair of tits. I ended the ‘relationship’ not long after. I might be a prick but I’m not a serial cheater and I won’t lie about it.
But still - Heidi offered me sex the way you ’d offer your Gran a cup of tea. I still said no. I wouldn’t even consider it. My brain can’t consider it.
I pull up outside my house and decide to call my sister. Unlocking the door, I wrestle my phone from my pocket and speed dial her.
“ Something serious must be wrong if you’re calling me willingly,” Lexy muses as soon as she answers.
“ I just got accosted by my ex-girlfriend,” I grumble. “That’s pretty serious.”
“ Oh no,” she says in a flat voice. “However did you cope having a busty babe rubbing her plastic chest against you?”
“ No need to be a bitch. It was hell. I think I’m scarred for life.”
“ I’m sure you’ll live.”
I grunt and rub my face. “I have a question.”
“ Go on...” she says suspiciously. My sister, always the sceptic.
“ Why did Jen come back early?”
“ You don’t know?”
“ If I knew, would I be fucking asking?”
“ Bing, are you honestly telling me you still don’t know why she went back so early?” Lexy says, slightly incredulous.
“ Of course I am!” I try not to shout. “I asked her in Devon, but she told me not to push it. Oh, and she insulted me several times.”
“ Oh, boy.” She laughs. “Well, she and Carl broke up.”
“ What?” I stop dead in my tracks. “They what?”
“ They
Either way, I spent all night thinking it over, and came to the conclusion that Bing just wants in my pants. It ’s okay, because I want in his too. Regardless of his old reputation.
Apparently old reputation. Do I believe it? Eh. About as much as I ’d believe a pregnant woman telling me she’s a virgin. Bing doesn’t do celibate and apart from a four month relationship last year, he doesn’t do them either.
Not that he necessarily does fidelity. He ’s about as faithful as a rabbit in mating season bonking their way round the rabbit hole.
So. .. Sex is good. The best way to get over someone is to get under them, right? Maybe I just need to man up... Yikes. I don’t want a penis . Ahem . Maybe I just need to woman up, and woman handle him into my bedroom.
Yes. We can go for that. We ’ll get together, leave emotion at the door, and have a good old spring bounce on the bed. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
~
BING
People are exes for a reason, and when I look into the pleading puppy dog eyes of my ex, Heidi, I wonder why the fuck she was ever in the position to become an ex in the first place.
“No.” I say flatly. “I have a place to be.”
“ Bing, please, we were so good together.” She tries to trail a finger down my arm and my skin crawls at the thought.
“ Still no.” I move away from her. “Bye, Heidi.”
“ Bing! I forgive you, you know. I don’t care if you cheated.”
Jesus Christ, is she fucking stupid?
“Heidi, listen. I didn’t give a shit six months ago, I don’t give a shit today, and I probably won’t tomorrow either. Do yourself a favour and stop making a fool of yourself.” I leave without looking, and ask myself why I have.
That there, my friends, was sex on a plate. With a fucking birthday candle and sprinkles.
It was also as ugly as hell. What have I been doing my whole life?
‘ Maybe you should find a nice girl to settle down with ,’ Grammy said before she died. Good logic, not enough execution.
Here ’s the thing; the girls I sleep with are nice enough, they give me what I want, and most of them leave without a fuss. I’m mildly, if not highly attracted to them. Sometimes, if I like them enough, I’ll have another go.
I liked Heidi enough to stick around for three months, and become ‘exclusive’ before my dick developed its own brain, and ran after the next girl with a half decent pair of tits. I ended the ‘relationship’ not long after. I might be a prick but I’m not a serial cheater and I won’t lie about it.
But still - Heidi offered me sex the way you ’d offer your Gran a cup of tea. I still said no. I wouldn’t even consider it. My brain can’t consider it.
I pull up outside my house and decide to call my sister. Unlocking the door, I wrestle my phone from my pocket and speed dial her.
“ Something serious must be wrong if you’re calling me willingly,” Lexy muses as soon as she answers.
“ I just got accosted by my ex-girlfriend,” I grumble. “That’s pretty serious.”
“ Oh no,” she says in a flat voice. “However did you cope having a busty babe rubbing her plastic chest against you?”
“ No need to be a bitch. It was hell. I think I’m scarred for life.”
“ I’m sure you’ll live.”
I grunt and rub my face. “I have a question.”
“ Go on...” she says suspiciously. My sister, always the sceptic.
“ Why did Jen come back early?”
“ You don’t know?”
“ If I knew, would I be fucking asking?”
“ Bing, are you honestly telling me you still don’t know why she went back so early?” Lexy says, slightly incredulous.
“ Of course I am!” I try not to shout. “I asked her in Devon, but she told me not to push it. Oh, and she insulted me several times.”
“ Oh, boy.” She laughs. “Well, she and Carl broke up.”
“ What?” I stop dead in my tracks. “They what?”
“ They
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