Am I Boring My Dog? by Edie Jarolim Read Free Book Online Page A

Depot.
    Be careful, too, of sound-a-likes. My friend Clare had always liked the name Venus, which suggested both strength and beauty—until, that is, she heard it used on the beach. It took a while for her to realize that the dog’s owner wasn’t attempting to summon a male sex organ.
    The converse holds true, too—that is, you might regret choosing a name primarily for its public effect. I’d always wanted to call a dog “Stella”—no matter what the gender—so I could bellow down the street à la Stanley Kowalski. Never mind that I’m not generally a bellower and that not everyone has seen A Streetcar Named Desire. I was convinced it would be an endless source of amusement for me and everyone I encountered.
    Luckily, I was saved from my worst instincts when the dog I adopted was prenamed Frankie, after the golf partner of his rescuer’s husband. Frankie’s not a duffer-type pup—although he has been known to pee on the greens at resort courses—but the name nevertheless suited the little guy to a tee.
IRONY GETS OLD QUICKLY.
    Lots of people think it’s funny to call their Chihuahuas “Tiger” or their Great Danes “Tiny.” One man I pass while walking Frankie always says “Hi, Killer” to my shy, pint-sized guy. I was amused maybe the first 10 times he did it, not so much after that.
POP CULTURE REFERENCES ALSO GET DATED, FAST.
    Except in the case of Elvis. I personally know two canine Elvises (Elvi?) whose owners are generations apart.
A NAME SHOULDN’T BE TOO LONG OR COMPLEX.
    Dogs have fairly short attention spans when it comes to language (as opposed, again, to food; you’ll discover that your dog’s gaze might remain fixed on your plate for the entire duration of your dinner). By the time you’re done saying “Titus Andronicus” or “Princess Grace,” your dog will have stopped looking at you and returned to licking his or her privates. One or two syllables—anything you can shout quickly in an emergency—should suffice.
A NAME SHOULD NOT SOUND TOO SIMILAR TO A COMMAND.
    If you name a dog Don, for example, he will either spend a lot of time in a down stay position or look at you quizzically whenever you try to put him in one.
A NAME SHOULD NOT SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE THAT OF A NONCANINE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY.
    Unless, of course, you discover that the similarity helps resolve a child’s discipline issues.
A NAME SHOULDN’T BE CHOSEN AS A TRIBUTE TO SOMEONE WHO’S STILL ALIVE.
    What might seem like a good idea in puppyhood can turn dicey if the dog becomes fat and flatulent. It’s also a good idea to steer clear of the recently departed, lest relatives feel their kin has been disrespected.
    Finally, keep in mind that your dog’s primary name merely serves as a base for the riffs you’ll play on it. Frankie soon became Frankie Doodle because I thought he was dandy.
    This morphed into Frankie Doodle, my tiny Poodle, and from that into Poodle Boy. He is also Frankfurter or, if he’s being imperious, His Frankiness. Sometimes I call him bat boy because his ears seem capable of echolocation, or honey bunny because he’s small and fuzzy … You get the picture.
    He doesn’t answer to most of these names, of course, but at least I found a way to amuse myself that doesn’t involve bellowing “STEH-LUH” down the street.

20. HOW SHOULD I REFER TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DOG?
    I’m afraid this issue is as complicated—and as emotionally fraught—as discussing human partnerships that fall outside the bounds of traditional marriage. The awkward “significant other” is elegant compared to what’s involved in describing the human-canine bond.
    The term “owner” has become problematic because it implies that a dog is merely property; the more acceptable usage is “guardian” of a “companion animal” (formerly known as a “pet”). The thinking behind movements such as the “Guardian Campaign,” being conducted by the California-based In Defense of Animals, is that changing the