American Housewife by Helen Ellis Read Free Book Online Page A

Mitzy wins, people will watch
until
she wins because they’ll want to see her poor, sweet face when she finds out what you’ve been keeping from her because whatever it is, it must be god-awful.
Cardinal Reality Rule #6: Tug heartstrings.
The best person to root for is a contestant with a sob story.”
    F’in Tiny says, “
Cardinal reality rule?
What are you talking about? Why are you talking
like that
?”
    Oh, look what I found. I say, “I’m writing.”
    “Well, do it on your own time. This is TV.”
    Mitzy asks, “Is it true what she said? Is Bitzy bad off?”
    F’in Tiny says, “I can assure you that your sister is in the very best hands.”
    John Lithgow says, “Shameful.”
    The tennis player says, “That’s messed up.”
    It is, but it doesn’t stop me from foreseeing that when the opening credits roll each week, the tennis player’s audio clip will be run over a loop of Mario Batali eating a corn dog.
    Verbena frowns. We all know
Nightcrawlers
would never pull something as manipulative as this.
    “One-thousand-one-hundred, ladies and gentlemen?” The auctioneer is going on with his show. “Do I have one-thousand-one-hundred for this lovely fishplate by Lewis Straus and Sons?”
    He does not. Wait, fishplate?
    “One-thousand-one-hundred? It has a lovely painting of a fish on it.”
    That’s the best story he can come up with?
    F’in Tiny says, “Mitzy, bid, I beg of you. None of you have won anything of this crazy old bag’s. The auction’s almost over. If the writer wins the plate, she’ll win the whole show. We can’t have that. Nobody knows who she is. She’s never been in
Playboy.
She’s never been in—what’s
Playboy
for writers?”
    Mario Batali says,
“The New Yorker.”
    “Does she show her tits in
The New Yorker
?”
    The auctioneer holds his gavel extra high for the cameras. “One-thousand-one-hundred going once.”
    F’in Tiny shouts, “Come on!” He’s on his tiny feet in tiny shoes with tiny lifts, wriggling his way between two un-tiny cameramen. He charges the auctioneer, who won’t give up his gavel despite the fight he’s being given.
    “Going twice.”
    F’in Tiny shouts, “I
knew
bringing a writer on was a mistake! She’s like those Telenovela Mexicans they keep bringing on
Dancing with the Stars
—but without the abs. This writer has no abs! Mitzy! Somebody! Anybody! One of you Dumpster divers bid!”
    No one bids. John Lithgow holds Mitzy, who sobs into his chest. Mario Batali and the tennis player cross their arms in disgust. Verbena tilts her head down so that her hair shields her face. In solidarity with Mitzy, the other contestants will concede, let me win, and punish F’in Tiny and his f’in tiny show.
    F’in Tiny screams at the Scientologist, “Bid, dammit! Here’s your chance! You win this and you win the unconditional love of every red-blooded AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE !”
    Always camera ready, the Scientologist says, “Sorry, Smalls, no can do. I have my sights set on that secretarial desk.”
    His wife chuckles.
    “Wait, that’s not right?”
    She says, “It’s fine, baby.”
    And it is fine. It’s all going to work out fine. The Scientologists’ marriage, the tennis player’s rep, Verbena’s return to hill country, Batali’s and Lithgow’s continued success, Mitzy’s life after
Playboy,
and my new novel that will begin:
Cardinal Reality Rule #7: Forge unlikely friendships.
    I keep my paddle raised until I hear “Sold.”

SOUTHERN LADY CODE

“I s this too dressy?” is Southern Lady code for: I look fabulous and it would be in your best interest to tell me so.
    “I’m not crazy about it” is code for: I hate that more than sugar-free punch.
    “What do you think about her?” is code for: I don’t like her.
    “She’s always been lovely to me” is code for: I don’t like her either.
    “She has a big personality” means she’s loud as a T. rex.
    “She’s the nicest person” means she’s boring as pound cake.
    “She