Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations by Simon Rich Read Free Book Online Page A

gone.
    DOG MULDER : (Spits out coffee.)
    DOG SCULLY : For years, I’ve tried to be a scientist, to live by the rules of logic and reason. But now I don’t know what to believe.
    DOG MULDER : Please use your magic to kill my fleas.

animal cruelty
    In order to learn more about animal cruelty, I built a translating machine and interviewed several farm animals about their current situation.
    C OW
    —You’ve been incarcerated in this slaughterhouse your entire life. How has it affected you emotionally?
    —I am cow. I eat grass. Grass on ground. Me move mouth down to grass. Chew up grass.
    —Do you think animal slavery will end in your lifetime?
    —Eat grass, rest. Eat grass, rest. Sleep.
    —Do you feel that animals deserve the same rights as human beings?
    —Grass on ground. Eat it all up.
    C HICKEN
    —You’ve lived inside this 26- × 22-inch cage your entire life. How does it feel to know that you will never meet your family?
    —Food in bag. Eat it up.
    —Are “free range” chickens truly free? Or do they suffer the same indignities as standard, factory-produced chickens?
    —Me eat food in bag. Rest. Sleep.
    P IG
    —Human beings have mistreated your species for centuries, caging you in tiny prisons and pumping you full of dangerous hormones, just to make money. If you could say one thing to your human oppressors, what would it be?
    —Give me more of the things that go inside my mouth. I like the things that I put inside my mouth. Chew it all up good. Rest, sleep.
    —I understand that your owner castrated you at birth and then branded you with a fiery hot iron. Does it ever get so bad that you wish for death?
    —Give me more of the things that go inside my mouth.

lost puppy!
    Our beloved family pet is missing! We lost him on this
block and he probably hasn’t gone far. If you find a dog
that matches the following description,
please give me a call!
Thanks!
—Suzie
    Large claws
    Extra set of teeth
    Red eyes
    Quick to anger
    Often unreasonable; lacks the self-control of other dogsLikes to stand on his hind legs and rise to his full height
so he can look people in the eye
    Often stays in shadowy areas; very hard to spot sometimes,
except for his eyes, which always have a faint
red glow
    Fast
    When he stands on his hind legs and looks people in the
eye, he expects them to maintain eye contact; if they
look away even for a second, he has a kind
of breakdown
    If he’s having a rampage and someone escapes, he likes
to come find them, usually on the one-year anniversary
of the rampage
    Answers to the name “Ctharga,” but if his name is said
three times, something weird happens to his eyes and he
somehow becomes even faster than he is normally
    Silent

————————
glorious battles of
the american revolution
    The British redcoats were excellently trained. But their conventional battle tactics failed to subdue the ragtag American troops.
    T HE B ATTLE OF S TONEY P OINT — 1779
    George Washington’s minutemen attack the redcoats with pitchforks. Cornwallis, the British general, stubbornly sticks to his strategy: offering the Americans tea and then cleverly giving them none.
    T HE B ATTLE OF H OBKIRK’S H ILL — 1780
    The Americans kill five thousand redcoats by hitting them on the head with rocks. Cornwallis and his survivingmen retaliate by throwing an elaborate dinner party and not inviting any minutemen. Washington comes anyway. During sherry he makes an extremely lewd toast. Out of politeness, the redcoats pretend not to hear him. But a few minutes later Washington repeats his toast, loudly. One by one, all the redcoats make very courteous excuses and leave early.
    T HE B ATTLE OF G RIME’S R IVER — 1781
    At 9:30 A.M. , the redcoats assemble on the battlefield, but as usual the Americans are tardy. Furious, Cornwallis marches his infantry up to Washington’s tent and requests permission to fire his gun at him. Washington, still drunk from the night before, stumbles out of the tent and