Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations by Simon Rich Read Free Book Online Page B

starts dancing. Cornwallis is enraged, but etiquette demands that he join the dance. The redcoats retreat slowly, careful to avoid any eye contact with Cornwallis.
    T HE B ATTLE OF H AW F OREST — 1782
    General Washington sets a forest on fire to show Cornwallis that he’s ready to fight. As a gesture of good faith, Cornwallis executes his five best men. Washington goes on to win the battle by poisoning some local Indians andforcing them to kill the redcoats in exchange for medicine. In accordance with British military law, Mrs. Cornwallis bakes General Washington a congratulatory scone and invites him to her drawing room for whist. Washington insists on having sex with her. They have sex.

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a day in the life
of the swiss army
    All right, everyone, listen up. I’m not going to lie to you. We lost a lot of good men today. But we haven’t lost the war yet. It’s time to hunker down and talk strategy: Has everybody been taking care of his fingernails? Because yesterday, during the battle, I noticed that some men—in fact, a lot of men—were having trouble opening their knives. Remember, you have to dig pretty hard to get the blade out. It’s not like the magnifying glass.
    Okay, another thing. Yesterday, on the battlefield, there was some confusion about the location of the blade. If the logo is facing you, the blade is the third instrument on the right side of the knife . It looks like the tweezers, but it’s actually the one just above the tweezers. This is really important to remember.
    Let’s have a moment of silence to mourn all the men who died today.
    Okay. One more thing: I can see that many of you have accidentally cut yourselves while trying to open your knives. Listen, this happens sometimes, it’s just another part of war and army life. But try to be careful.
    Tobias, how’s the fire coming? Still sawing down the tree? Okay. Remember to be careful with that saw, Tobias. Just because it’s little doesn’t mean it isn’t sharp.
    All right, men, it looks like we have some more time before dinner. And as long as you’re all here, I’d like to talk to you about respect. During weapons inspection, I noticed that many of you have lost your toothpicks. This is unacceptable. The toothpick is part of the Swiss Army knife. Yes, I know, it comes out. But that’s not an excuse to lose it.
    All right, that’s it. Get some rest. Tomorrow we wage war.

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how i imagine life in the u.s. army
    (based on the commercials i’ve seen)
    GENERAL STONE : All right, men, listen up! Our nation is at war, and the whole world is counting on us to protect freedom. That leaves us with just one option.
    BOB : Rock climbing?
    GENERAL STONE : Exactly. There’s a steep mountain in the middle of an unpopulated desert. We need someone to go there by himself, climb the mountain, and put a flag on the top.
    BOB : I’ll do it.
    GENERAL STONE : Excellent! Here’s the flag.
    BOB : Cool.
    GENERAL STONE : All right, let’s see. We also need someone to ride a Jet Ski. How about you, Jackson?
    JACKSON : I don’t know, General, I’m sort of afraid of getting hurt. Can I stay here and work on computers?
    GENERAL : Yes. Everybody who wants to can stay here and work on computers.
    BRIAN : General?
    GENERAL : What’s up?
    BRIAN : Can I take a break? I kind of want to go to college.
    GENERAL : No problem, here’s thirty thousand dollars in cash.
    BRIAN : Great, thanks.
    GENERAL : Okay, men, that’s it for the day.
    JACKSON : Hey, look! It’s my friends and family.
    FRIENDS AND FAMILY : Hey, nice uniform. We’re proud of you.
    JACKSON : Thanks. See you in a couple of weeks.
    FRIENDS AND FAMILY : Yeah, see you then.

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how did
all those fun army chants
get started?
    —I don’t know, but I’ve been told this next mission is suicide. Is it true?
    —I don’t know, John. But I’ve been told the same thing.
    —I don’t know. I’ve been told a