Anything But Zombies by Gerald Rice Read Free Book Online Page A

one. I’ll see you around.”
    â€œWhen the next zombie apocalypse arrives we’ll meet back here.”
    Jim laughed. “Yep. I’ll bring a bottle opener and you bring the beer.”
    Vinnie laughed and watched Jim walk away down the street before he went to the cop standing near the store and quickly bit him on the arm, bringing about the second wave of the ghoul apocalypse.
    Vinnie hated when people called him a zombie.

The Sentient Cherry Cola That Tried to Destroy the World
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Jeff Strand

I’m sure you’re going to ask, but does it really matter how the cherry cola became sentient? If you truly need to know, I’ll get into the whole backstory, but this will move a lot faster if you just accept that some elements aren’t going to be completely logical. Sometimes a cherry cola just comes to life, you know?
    No? You need the explanation?
    Fine. It was witchcraft. These witches were all like, “We’re not witches! We’re Wiccan! We believe in goodness and the magic of the earth!” but ultimately their naked moonlight dancing wasn’t as harmless as they thought, because it brought some cherry cola to life.
    One of them, Gloria, had brought a cooler full of beverages in case anybody was thirsty after the dancing. Aside from one bottle of water consumed by Lori, the witches had all declined Gloria’s offer, making her wonder why she’d bothered to bring it in the first place. Last time she’d packed sandwiches that nobody bothered to eat, and the time before that she’d brought fruit salad. She was the first one to admit that the bananas hadn’t held up, but she’d choked down Beatrice’s scalloped potatoes that one time just to be polite, and would it have killed her to return the favor?
    There were three cans of cherry cola in the cooler. The actual brand name would later be the source of much finger-pointing and lawsuits, with representatives from Coca Cola saying it was Cherry Pepsi and representatives from PepsiCo saying it was Cherry Coke. A couple of independent brands initially tried to claim credit for it, figuring that any publicity was good publicity, although once the body count started to rise they regretted that decision.
    It was actually a local brand called Gertrude’s Soda, known for inexpensive soft drinks that didn’t taste very good and had killed dozens of laboratory rats, which is why none of the other witches wanted any. The owner, Bernard “Gertrude” Sloven, never knew the devastation his product would cause. If he had known, he would have had a quiet chuckle about it, because Bernard was not a people person.
    Two of the three cans in Gloria’s cooler remained regular cherry cola. The third, however, came to life.
    You have to look at this from the cherry cola’s perspective. You’re suddenly alive with no explanation and you’re trapped in a dark, cold, twelve-ounce can. There is literally no room to move except to swirl around. You have no idea what’s going on. I mean, it’s not like you’re thinking, “Wow, I’m some cherry cola that has somehow come to life! This is incredible!” You don’t know you’re cherry cola. One moment you’re not aware of your existence and then the next moment you are, and your existence sucks.
    The can of cherry cola went from Gloria’s cooler back into her refrigerator, where it remained unopened for seven months. Imagine that. For seven months you’re stuck in this can with no idea who or what you are. Can you imagine being stuck in traffic for seven months? Or trapped in an elevator? Or down in a mine shaft? At least if you were in the mine shaft, you could eventually turn to cannibalism to stave off the boredom, but that cherry cola had no stimuli beyond the inside of an aluminum can. What if you were a newborn baby and your mother abandoned you in a gravel pit and you just lay there for . . .