Apeshit by Iii Carlton Mellick Read Free Book Online Page B

imagination. She couldn’t real-
    ly hear too well over the sound of her urine splashing against
    the ground.

    There is another cracking of twigs. She can’t tell

    which direction it is coming from. The moon is bright enough
    for her to see dozens of feet in every direction. There is no
    movement. No prowlers in the dark. Frogs begin to croak
    around her. Just a couple at first, then several. She can’t see
    them but she can definitely tell they are frogs. The croaking
    makes it impossible to hear anymore footsteps.

    She pulls up her pants and scurries back inside.

    Next time I have to pee , she thinks, I’m taking
    Jason’s gun .

    Kevin and Rick are making out in the living room
    when Desdemona bursts in, rubbing her tattooed arms and
    shivering. Rick looks kind of annoyed that she busted in on
    them. His head is drunk and floppy.

    “It’s fucking cold out there,” Desdemona says. “I
    fucking hate pissing in the woods.”

    Kevin zips up his fly. “Wait until you have to shit.”

    “Fuck that,” Desdemona says. “I’ll wait and shit
    when we get back home.”

    “Good luck,” Kevin says.

    Des opens a beer and takes a sip. It’s warm and harsh
    inside her mouth.

    “Where’s Crystal?” she asks.

    “She said she was going to put Jason to bed,” Rick
    says.

    “Is she coming back?”

    “No,” Rick says. “Jason said they were going to

    have hot stinky sex.”

    “Stinky?” Kevin asks. “What is he going to take a
    dump on her or something?”

    “A Cleveland Steamer?” Des says.

    “A Hot Carl?” Kevin says.

    “A Dirty Sanchez?” Rick says.

    “Yeah, right,” Desdemona says. “You know how eas-
    ily grossed out Crystal gets. She wouldn’t do anything like
    that in a million years. She probably has the most normal
    sex life of anyone you’ve ever met. And Jason, you know he
    only does missionary position. He probably doesn’t even let
    her be on top.”

    “What a couple of pussies,” Kevin says.

    “Speaking of sex,” Rick says, standing up off of the
    couch. “Are you two ready?”

    “Hells yeah!” Kevin says.

    “You’re finally going to do it?” Desdemona asks
    Rick. “After all these months?”

    “Yeah,” he replies. “My doctor says it’s okay to have
    sex now.”

    “I couldn’t imagine having a urinary infection that
    lasted that long,” Kevin says. “At least you didn’t pass it on
    to us.”

    “That’s why I kept my shorts on during sex,” Rick
    says.

    “It’s about time you got it working again,” Desde-
    mona says. “You totally suck at trying to give me an orgasm
    with your tongue.”

    “Yeah, your tongue’s pretty short, dude,” Kevin says.
    “Des can get her tongue in my ass three times farther than
    you can.”

    Rick flicks the side of the Theremin as he walks

    across the room.

    “Let’s go,” Rick says in an annoyed tone.

    He really hates being criticized and teased, even
    when it’s by his closest friends who are just joking around
    and don’t mean him any harm. He’s kicked people’s asses
    for much less.

    Crystal and Jason are in the master bedroom. They
    take the sheets off of the bed and then make it with bed-
    ding that they brought with them. Crystal refuses to sleep
    on beds unless they have her bedding. She even brings her
    own sheets and blankets to Jason’s house and remakes his
    bed whenever she spends the night.

    “You ready to do it?” Jason asks Crystal, wobbling
    drunkenly over the bed in just his socks and whitey-tighty
    underwear.

    “Not tonight,” Crystal says, lying in bed with the
    covers up to her shoulders.

    “Why not?” Jason slobbers.

    “Because you’re drunk,” she says. “And you’re a
    fucking asshole.”

    “What? What’s wrong with you?”

    “Just go to sleep,” she says.

    He crawls into bed with her.

    “Come on,” Jason whispers into her ear.

    She doesn’t reply.

    “You know you want to,” he says, trying to be seductive.

    Crystal isn’t interested.