Atomic Lobster by Tim Dorsey Read Free Book Online

then you can come on the Night Launch. And if you behave, maybe I can arrange a little allowance.”
    “You fucker!”
    He twisted more. A louder scream. “Okay, okay! Stop! I’ll do it!”
    “You gave me your word. I’m letting go now.” Serge began loosening his grasp. “But one false move and I’ll clobber you. I have three seconds.”
    He let go and jumped back.
    Rachael spun around and steamed with fists clenched by her sides. But she didn’t attack.
    “Auspicious start,” said Serge. “Now follow me and I’ll teach you the ways….”
    Serge led her out the door and into the yard. “Sit right there in the dirt.” She grudgingly complied. He picked up a long stick. “First you need to recognize that right angles symbolize the discord of the White Man. That’s why I’m using this stick to draw a big circle around you, representing the spiritual cycles of peace and harmony that connect us all.” He completed the circle. “Then you stay perfectly still in the middle and shut the fuck up !”
    Serge went back inside, filling additional luggage with his books and National Geographic s.
    “Taking all that with you?”
    “Decided to blow this place,” said Serge. “Anything of sentimental value, better grab it now.”
    “Shit.” Coleman ran to the fridge and opened a beer. “How do you know so much about women?”
    Serge hoisted a strap over his shoulder. “You just have to remember that inside they’re all still little girls. See? Isn’t she adorable?” They looked out the door: Rachael sitting in the dirt, cursing, lighting a Marlboro and wiping drug mucus off her upper lip.
    Coleman looked toward a moaning sound near their feet. “I think he’s coming to.”
    “We’ll just have to bring him along.” Serge pulled the pistol from his belt, gripped it by the barrel and cracked the top of Jimmy’s dome. Moaning stopped. “But that’s it. Membership’s now closed. This Night Launch is getting too popular.”
    Rachael stood when she saw Serge and Coleman approach, dragging Jimmy by the ankles. “What about my money?”
    “After the Night Launch clears the tower,” said Serge. “You can come out of the circle now.”
    She grumbled and followed.
    Serge glanced at her hand. “And no smoking in the car.”
    “Bite me!”
    “Guess you don’t want your money.”
    “Dammit…. Wait up!” She took a quick series of drags and ran after them, flicking the butt into a pile of yard waste. A lifeless rat began to stir.

SIX
    SOUTH TAMPA
    W hoop! Whoop! Whoop!
    Martha Davenport sprang up in bed. “What’s that?”
    “Our burglar alarm.” Jim rolled over and squinted at a digital clock. Four-thirty.
    “Think someone’s downstairs?”
    He squinted again, this time across the room at the most advanced alarm keypad on the market. “Says it’s the garage.”
    “Jim! Do something!”
    He climbed from the sheets, walked across the room and locked the bedroom door.
    “That’s it?”
    “Okay…” He reached up in the closet and climbed back into bed with something.
    “Jim, are you going to show him you won third place?”
    Jim set the bowling trophy between their pillows and snuggled under the sheets.
    “Jim!”
    The phone rang. He grabbed it.
    “This is Proton Security. We show a motion sensor in the garage.”
    “So does our keypad.”
    “I’ve already called the police. Are you in a safe place?”
    “I think so.” Jim got out of bed and peeked through curtains. “I’m looking down at the garage.”
    “Anyone there?”
    “No. He’s already at the end of the street with my lawnmower.”
    The police response was efficient and polite. A young officer filled out the report. “Anything missing besides the lawnmower?”
    “The motion sensors.”
    The officer finished and handed Jim a yellow copy. “For the insurance company. Make sure all your doors are locked.” He tipped his hat.
    It was quiet again in the Davenport bedroom. Jim turned his head on the pillow. Martha was staring