Augustus by Allan Massie Read Free Book Online

this is wonderful,' Maecenas said. 'I don't regret my postponed couch at all. It's the first point he's really lost to us.' 'Precisely. How do we exploit it?' 'Laughter.'
    'My own opinion, but it shows he is taking us seriously.'
    I went to my desk and wrote for a few minutes.
    'How about this?' I said, and read the following to them:
    'Friends, Romans, Countrymen: you will all remember that less than six months ago, the Consul Mark Antony prefaced his eulogy of my murdered father with these very words. In that noble and moving speech which his secretaries provided for him, he praised my father's noble generosity and with a nice irony exposed the dishonour of his murderers. Well and good, my friends; my gratitude for that speech is still warm. Irony, however, is a corrupting habit, not unlike wine in its operation. Drunkards be gin by drinking with the same d iscrimination as the ordinary man who likes a glass of wine. But, whereas the ordinary man is moderately enlivened and improved with wine, which he has prudently mixed with water, drunkards are enflamed by it, and their judgement quite destroyed. So with the habit of irony. It can possess a man. I can only assume that this has happened to our noble and honourable consul. (It must be irony, for it could not be wine, could it?)
    'Why do I say this, you ask? Well, there has come to my knowledge a story said to be related by the consul. It appears that he is accusing me of plotting his own murder.
    'The charge is so preposterous that I do not intend to offer a defence. I shall not insult the consul's momentary aberration by pretending to take it seriously. Had such a charge been offered by any other man, I would have supposed him drunk. The consul of course cannot have been in his cups. No man, guiding the affairs of the Republic in this terrible year, would be so rash and irresponsible as to fall into intoxication. We all know the consul's devotion to duty and the sobriety of his judgement. I can therefore only assume that he has fallen victim to the habit of irony, and that the accusation is an elaborate private joke. My only complaint is that it is an unfriendly one. Not everyone will see it, for not everyone shares the consul's delicious sense of fun.
    'And I deny it only because I should not like it to be thought by my father's friends that my feelings towards one of his lieutenants were anything but warm. Of course I don't blame the consul, especially as it occurs to me that he may have taken seriously a jest propounded by his wife Fulvia. And we all know who her first husband was, what standards of public spirit and private honour he always displayed, with what delighted wit Fulvia and he concocted similar accusations, what a practised hand she is, and how wisely and firmly she guides the consul.
    'That,' I said, 'ought to do for him.'
    'Beautiful.' Maecenas leapt up and embraced me. 'You've caught him hip and thigh. They'll laugh at this all over Italy. The only thing is, my dear, you may have over-estimated the intelligence of the public. You can go broke doing that, as any theatre manager will tell you. Let me just tinker with the last bit. . . da-da-da-di. . . how about this now? Start from where you bring in Fulvia, and go on: "and we all know that Fulvia used to be married to the ex-noble Clodius, whose religious zeal was such that he even dressed up as a woman to attend the sacred Festival of the Good Goddess; whose devotion to truth caused him to testify in a thousand law-courts; whose love of the Republic was so strong that he became a plebeian in order to qualify for election as a tribune; and whose sense of the ridiculous was so acute that he caused himself to be adopted by a man young enough to be his own son. No wonder therefore that Fulvia is a practised hand" - I like that expression, your own is it? Never heard it before - "at concocting such accusations. Of course, not being the consul and so not having perfect knowledge of matters of which I am