Awakening by Gillian Colbert, Elene Sallinger Read Free Book Online Page B

own coffee up from where she’d placed it on the table. All desire for the drink had fled; she just wanted something to do with her hands. ‘I --’ She faltered, but determinedly straightened her shoulders, took a deep breath, and said, ‘I spent over 14 years in an abusive relationship with a man I didn’t love. But –’ She held up a hand to stave off whatever Bridget was about to say. She’d opened her mouth, clearly intending to speak. ‘No, let me finish, please. You see, I was the abuser, not him.’
    Bridget looked confused, but she relaxed back into her chair and quirked her head expectantly. Claire paused as nausea roiled her belly. She didn’t want to talk about this. Didn’t want to ruin what good opinion of her Bridget might have. She’d enjoyed Bridget’s company. Looked forward to it as much as the reading she did here. She wasn’t ready for it to end.
    She didn’t really know how to explain her relationship with Charlie to Bridget. On the surface, any third party would think it was a typically abusive relationship. One where she’d been physically beaten repeatedly. The one other time she’d attempted to explain it to someone they had attempted to convince her she had battered woman syndrome because she kept insisting that it wasn’t Charlie’s fault.
    The thing was it really wasn’t Charlie’s fault. He had done everything possible to get her to deal with her past when they’d met. Each and every time he’d start trying to get her to talk she’d pick a fight with him. At first, she hadn’t noticed the pattern, but eventually she did. She didn’t want to talk about her childhood or her family. It hurt too much and she felt overwhelmed with rage and pain. She wanted to fight; she didn’t want to hurt. Hiding in the anger, she would provoke him.
    She knew each and every button to push. They’d been dating for nine months when he hit her for the first time. They’d argued over whether or not she was flirting with some guy on the street. She’d been so hateful to him throughout the argument. Then, after she’d told him to “fuck off”, he’d slapped her. He cried afterwards and vowed he’d never touch her again. And he’d stuck to it for several years. The crazy thing was that they’d had the best conversation they’d ever had after he hit her. She’d cried and had been self-righteous about him hitting her, but she hadn’t actually been mad at him at all. She’d just thought she was supposed to be mad, so she’d gone through the motions.
    She’d spent every argument after that seeing how far she could push him. Would he snap? Would he hit her again? He was so good. Everything about him was so good. That was the word that summed him up … Good. He didn’t lie. He was courageous. Affectionate. Loving. Generous. She felt incredibly inferior next to him. She’d never been any of those things. She’d always felt dirty, less, unworthy, unlovable. She’d lied to everyone constantly, making herself out to be stronger, more dynamic. Anything other than what she really was. She’d even lied to Charlie to get him to date her.
    After a while, their relationship was so bad that the arguments were relentless. Sometimes they’d literally go on all night long. He held firm, though. He didn’t touch her. Claire wouldn’t have been able to articulate why she needed to push him the way she did if a gun had been held to her head. It was almost a compulsion. They’d fight and she’d see the rage building inside him. See him struggle to control himself and all she wanted was to bring him down to her level. Force him to be fallible.
    One day, she got her wish. The argument had been particularly vicious. He was convinced she was lying to him about being with another man. She’d never cheated on him, but she didn’t do anything to make him feel comfortable with this fact. She eventually got tired of arguing and admitted that, while she hadn’t cheated on him, she’d kept from him