Bad Habits by Jenny McCarthy Read Free Book Online Page B

aphrodisiac. He went to a public school.
    In the past, I would be terrified to talk to any kid who didn’t attend a religion class, but when I hit thirteen, I wanted to make out with all of them.
    “Hey, Derek.”
    “Hey, Jenny. Can I come sit in your basement and hang out with you?”
    “Um, no,” I said. “Why don’t I just come over to your house and we can make out?”
    “That’s dope,” he responded, using the perfect 1986 slang term for “yes.”
    I went over to his house.
    I hardly got past the door before he jumped on top of me. He did something I hadn’t experienced yet at the age of thirteen—he kissed my neck.
    It felt naughty. He seemed to either be really enjoying my neck or just not confident yet about his ability to French kiss. It’s kind of like when a guy tells you he doesn’t like going down on girls, but it’s really because he has no idea what the hell he’s doing.
    Anyway, after about an hour of necking, I was getting bored, so I pushed him off me.
    Derek began laughing at me.
    “Why are you laughing?” I said.
    “Don’t know,” he responded.
    “You’re weird,” I said.
    “Later,” he quipped.
    And with that, we broke up. I wish it were that easy to break up in my thirties.
    I went home and saw more old people filing into the house. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I wanted Mary to go away—now. I walked inside and was pulled by an old lady to sit next to her and pray.
    She handed me a rosary and I began to recite a Hail Mary.
    I spotted JoJo doing what I had taught her to do, which was to sell rosaries to old ladies as “blessed rosaries” and we would split the money seventy-thirty, because it was my idea (even though I had JoJo do all the work). This was an early sign of the incredibly sinful entrepreneurial skills you will continue to read about throughout this book.
    “Psst, JoJo.” I waved my hand for her to come over and save me.
    As she walked closer to me, her eyes widened. She quickly sat down next to me and whispered, “What’s wrong with your neck?”
    “Nothing,” I said. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
    She then grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bathroom.
    I took one look and screamed at the top of my lungs. “ Aahhhh!!!! ”
    That asshole Derek had given me hickeys. Not just a couple of hickeys. He gave me thirteen huge, bloodsucking hickeys.
    “Why would you let someone do that to you?” JoJo asked. “You look so stupid.”
    I defensively cried back, “I didn’t know what he was doing! I thought he was just really into my neck. I didn’t know! What am I going to do?”
    “Well, now I think is the perfect opportunity to ask for a raise,” JoJo said. “I want fifty-fifty for the rosary money.”
    “JoJo, stop that. I’m in a crisis right now!”
    “I’m in a crisis now too! Christine Szarski is about to get her eleventh Cabbage Patch doll! I can’t let that happen! I need to go buy three of them right now!”
    If it were anything other than a Cabbage Patch doll, I would have fought her, but I was sympathetic to JoJo’s problem. I caved and gave her the fifty-fifty split, even though I knew she would never tell my mom about the hickeys anyway.
    The next day at school, word got out that I had thirteen hickeys on my neck. I was terrified of only one person in school finding out. That’s right—Diana Fucking Baruch, who was one grade older than I was.
    “Jenny, Diana just found out about your hickeys,” said Ann Krybus.
    I ran to the school bathroom and threw up. I was so scared. We were supposed to be the holiest family in the neighborhood, with the Virgin Mary as our prize.
    I had no doubt that if my mom found out about this, she would either return the Mary statue or make me live at the altar reciting Hail Marys until I died.
    I got home from school and ran upstairs to put on the thickest sweatshirt I owned, which happened to have Mickey Mouse on it. It was 96 degrees outside with 100 percent humidity. I didn’t