Bad Habits by Jenny McCarthy Read Free Book Online

know it’s not right.”
    “Go ahead, continue.”
    “I like Madonna,” I whispered.
    “Well, I love Madonna,” Father Colin replied.
    “You do?!” I replied with glee in my voice.
    “Yes, I do,” he said.
    “Oh my God, that’s freaking awesome! I thought you were all, like, uncool and just played chess all day long and watched Leave It to Beaver .”
    He laughed. “Why would you think loving Madonna would be a sin?”
    “Well, she wears a rosary as a necklace.”
    “What’s wrong with that?”
    “That’s what I said! Oh my God, you are the coolest priest ever! My mom also said that Madonna was the spawn of Satan.”
    “What?! Why would she ever say something like that?” he asked.
    “I don’t know. My mom also said that Madonna is definitely not a virgin like she claims to be.”
    “What? What has gotten into your mother? Of course Madonna is a virgin!”
    “Wow, you really are a fan of Madonna. Maybe you can convince my mom to let me go see her in concert.”
    Silence was all I heard for about twenty seconds. I could see his shadow remain motionless through the confessional screen that separated us. “I think we are confused. I’m talking about the Virgin Mary, our Madonna,” he said.
    “Oh … hmm. Awkward. Well, what do you think of the MTV Madonna?” I asked.
    “I don’t know who you are talking about. There is only one Madonna, the Virgin Mary,” he responded firmly.
    I left confession that day with the realization that I had to come up with my own interpretation of why it felt good to sin. The only I thing I came up with was that it was like chocolate. Even though everyone says it’s bad for you, we all enjoy it. You just have to balance it with eating right or choosing your sins wisely, like selecting a quality chocolate. The same goes for sinning. Not too much, but just enough makes life way more satisfying.
    Fast forward to eight years later. I am twenty and have experienced heavenly bouts of freedom. When I heard about the upcoming release of the Madonna Erotica CD, I nearly lost my shit. She was more risqué than ever. I was craving a Jesus-like fix. They almost went hand in hand now. Madonna and Jesus. One and the same. Tearing off the cellophane from my Erotica CD felt like unwrapping a present on Christmas morning. I slid the CD into my stereo and my heart sang while my body started thrashing around provocatively to the beat. I was experiencing an all-time high of the chocolate factor. Just then my mom charged into my room like a bull in a china shop. She was behaving like a tyrant, and I’d never seen her quite like this before. It scared the shit out of me so much that I fell off my bed.
    “I know that voice! Get her out of this house now,” Mom demanded.
    I wanted to scream something stupid like, “I’m twenty, Mom!” or “Leave Madonna alone!” but I knew it was hopeless.
    Momma preached and she made up her mind. She slammed the CD on a retaining wall outside. There was fire in her eyes as she muttered about “the sinner wearing a cone-shaped bra symbolic of two cornucopias” putting a curse on our home. As if destroying my Erotica CD weren’t enough, she went on a tangent bitching about how her suspicions of bestiality were confirmed. She grabbed the album, whose back cover had an image of Madonna sucking on an elephant’s trunk, and tossed it into the fire. I watched it melt down and turn to ash.
    That night, Mom went through all my shit to make sure I got rid of every trace of Madonna memorabilia. Touched for the very last time.

10
If Gluttony Is Evil, Why Are So Many Catholics Alcoholics?
    My family was getting ready to go to a ceremony at our parish, where they were going to announce the winner of the Traveling Mother Mary.
    In case you aren’t that Catholic and don’t know what that means, it’s basically a four-foot statue of the Virgin Mary that travels around the world. It is then up to a lucky parish to choose an even luckier family that is holy