Bear v. Shark by Chris Bachelder Read Free Book Online Page A

spontaneous on a trip.
    Mrs. Norman is playing an electronic knitting game. The way you win is to make a scarf or an afghan or a turtleneck sweater, except it’s not a real sweater you can wear. There is a cross-stitch cartridge, too. And one called
Darning Mania!
    Mrs. Norman says, “Where are you going?”
    Brittle sticks, brittle logs, brittle rings.
    Mr. Norman says, “I thought we’d get some peanut brittle.”
    Matthew says, “What I’m saying is just try getting it out of your bicuspids.”
    Mrs. Norman looks up from her knitting game. She’s on Mittens Level. There is the sound of a clock and then the sound of smashing glass. Game over. With knitting, you hesitate, you die.
    Mrs. Norman says, “Larry, you know I’m allergic to peanut brittle. It makes my tongue swell up.”
    Mr. Norman says, “What?”
    Mrs. Norman says, “You know that.”
    Mr. Norman parks the SUV in the spacious parking lot of Planet Peanut Brittle. There’s a guy with a fin taped to his back handing out coupons.
    Mr. Norman says, “Well, we’ll get the kind without peanuts.”
    Mrs. Norman says, “No, it’s the brittle that makes me so sick. I’m allergic to the brittle. I’m fine with peanuts.”
    Mr. Norman turns off the car but keeps both hands on the wheel. He’s staring straight ahead. Sometimes he gets so tired.
    He says, “You’ve always been allergic?”
    Mrs. Norman says, “Something in the brittle. My tongue just fills my mouth.”
    Curtis says, “Let’s see, Mom.”
    Mrs. Norman says, “It was a nice thought, though.”
    It’s brittle-rific.
    Mrs. Norman says, “Let’s go ahead and get some lunch while we’re stopped.”
    Matthew says, “Hey, how many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
    Was Mrs. Norman a graceful water skier? Where is her birthmark and what is its shape? What really funny thing did she do when she was five? Does she like the pulp in her orange juice? Where was the honeymoon? What is the feel of your naked belly pressed against someone else’s? Quick, what grade is Matthew in? How is Curtis doing in school? Do the other kids like him? Just who
are
these people in the car with Mr. Norman and what makes their tongues swell? It’s 618 miles to Las Vegas, but then what? A bear, a shark, a level playing field.
    Mr. Norman rests his head on the steering wheel.
    He says, “Five.”

28
Darwin Dome
    Here’s what happened, essentially:
    HardCorp told Las Vegas that if the city didn’t build a 65,000-seat arena for “Bear v. Shark II: Red in Tooth and Claw,” the big show would move elsewhere. The corporation had gotten plenty of nice offers from other cities, including Los Angeles and Buffalo and Miami.
    Vegas officials crunched the numbers and figured out that the city could tear down three casinos, build the Darwin Dome for the big event, then tear down the dome and rebuild the casinos, and still come out in the black.
    Done deal, technically.
    The best tickets went to executives, politicians, military officers, movie stars, professional athletes and wrestlers, TV personalities, foreign dignitaries, puppet despots, models, gangsters, and game show hosts.
    Fifteen thousand tickets were available through a lottery. Over 21 million (21,000,000) people entered the lottery, and the lucky winners were given the opportunity to buy two tickets for $2,500 each.
    A handful of tickets were given away in Specially Marked Boxes of Sea-n-Lea Meat Snacks, void where prohibited, check package for details.
    And four tickets were given to the family of the winner of a national essay contest open to elementary school students. Students were to write a 250-word response to the question, “What does Bear v. Shark mean to America?”
    Curtis Norman of America, who had gotten chubby on Sea-n-Lea Meat Snacks, won the essay contest.

29
Some Jokes
    How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    How many?
    Five. One to screw in the bulb and four to pick sharks’ teeth out of their asses.
    Knock,