Bear v. Shark by Chris Bachelder Read Free Book Online

vertebrates.”
    Dr. Meredith says, “Sharks are vertebrates, too, Dale.”
    Dale (in Houston) says, “Well, we’re both mammals.”
    Wild Simon says, “Isn’t a shark a mammal, too?”
    Dr. Meredith says, “You’re thinking of bats.”
    Dale says, “A shark’s not a mammal because it doesn’t have a pouch or hairy young.”
    Wild Simon says, “Dale, do you have a question for Dr. Meredith?”
    Dale says, “I’d like to say hi to Rusty and Bingo in Galveston.”
    Wild Simon says, “Thanks for calling, Dale.”
    Matthew says, “It’s like I
hate
Dale.”
    Dr. Meredith says, “’Bye, Dale.”

25
Dutch Treat
    Is Dutch elm disease technically Dutch?
    What do you mean by technically?
    Is the elm Dutch or the disease or both?
    It’s an example of what they refer to essentially as an unclear moderator.
    Like large animal clinic?
    Like dirty book publisher.
    Like small Television room?
    Like red wine glass.
    Like thick juicy steaks?
    No.
    What about Dutch uncle?
    You can’t say Dutch uncle anymore. That’s like calling somebody a dwarf. They like to be called little people.
    Dutch uncles want to be called little people?
    You can’t say Dutch courage anymore either because that’s offensive to drunk people.
    How about Dutch oven?
    That’s OK.
    Dutch door?
    Fine.
    Dutch Guiana?
    We say Suriname now.
    Dutch cheese, Dutch auction, Dutch clover, Dutchman’s breeches, Dutch Colonial?
    All OK.
    Dutch treat?
    Oh the flaming dessert.
    No you’re thinking of bananas Florentine.

26
The Cockfights Ain’t Pipin’
    A public service announcement (PSA) from Jasper Palace, the voice of Uncle Jaws on the Tuesday-night situational comedy
The Sharkleys
:
    Rise up, Jasp Palace here, and this is a big bullhorn to all the preadults out there. Hey, we all know how much funny fun bears and sharks are, right? Jam on toast, mes enfants!
    But hear me out, you teen machines, there is a flip to the up. A bear or a shark can also be a very serious and even life-threatening matter. Last year alone, sixteen people were killed — that’s sixteen corpsy corpses, my deputy dogs — dozens were injured, and hundreds more were arrested when they tried to take American-style fun and entertainment into their own felonious, no-thinkin’ hands.
    Use your lobe, kids. Leave the Bear v. Shark scrap to the computer tie-guys. If someone you know wants to get hold of one of these beasty beasts or arrange a real fight, just walk away. Show ’em your bakery! See, the cockfights ain’t pipin’. And parents, it’s never too early to talk to your kids about the dangers of obtaining live bears and sharks, or pitting them against each other in a real duel. Zip, let’s keep Bear v. Shark safe, fun, and lawful.
Yes, ma’am.
    Fricky-frack, hypes. See you on Tuesday nights.

27
Planet Peanut Brittle
    Don’t forget about the Normans.
    They’re taking a trip to Las Vegas. They’re making good time, too, by the looks of the billboards and retail centers whizzing past. Sometimes you have to tear down a big store and put a bigger one where the big one used to be. The bigger store holds more stuff.
    The family has traveled 194 American miles and Mr. Norman knows it.
    A billboard says, “Exit now for Planet Peanut Brittle.” There is a picture of a guy in a space suit walking across lumpy brown candy, giving a thumbs-up to Mission Control. The image is somehow both futuristic and nostalgic. Janus-faced: It’s the sticky treat for the new millennium, but it’s also the irresistible snack you remember as a child. The aftertaste of time. Our special ingredient is memory. Those PR wizards, they’ve done what nobody thought they could do: they’ve dusted off peanut brittle, updated it, refurbished it, made it appropriate for today’s hectic world. It’s not your granny’s recipe. It’s PB2K. They’ve made peanut brittle timeless, cross-generational. Peanut brittle is back, more relevant than ever, exit
now
.
    Mr. Norman exits. It’s good to be