Becoming Billy Dare by Kirsty Murray Read Free Book Online Page B

stop talking right then. He wanted to cover his ears so that he wouldn't hear the next thing that Father Gerard was about to say. Instead he sat very still and stared out at the daffodils.
    â€˜Yesterday, a letter arrived from your uncle. I'm sorry to have to tell you that your good mother has passed away. I understand you knew she was poorly. I am sorry that arrangements weren't made for you to see her, but it seems no one knew how quickly her health would fail.’
    Paddy felt as if all the brightness drained out of him as the priest spoke. When Father Gerard said they should pray for Mam's soul, Paddy knelt down beside Father O'Keefe and shut his eyes, but when he did, it was as if all the darkness of the world came to suck him down, down through the floorboards of the priest's office, down into darkness. He could faintly hear the sound of Father Gerard's voice chanting Psalm 129 and Paddy mouthed the words but no sound came from between his lips.

8
Falling from grace
    That night in the dormitory, Paddy lay staring into the shadows. His mind was churning with questions. Father Gerard had given him a short letter from Honor explaining how Mam had died on a Thursday night and they had buried her alongside the lost brothers on the following Sunday afternoon. She also wrote that she had married Liam O'Flaherty.
    Paddy had turned the letter over in his hands, as if there was something written on the blank pieces of paper between the lines, that perhaps there was some other message that he hadn't yet found. His mam had been dead for two weeks. Dead and buried in the ground. They hadn't even let him come home for the funeral and the wake. All this time he had been studying, trying to show himself worthy to his family, and they weren't even thinking of him. Was this his reward for trying so hard to be good?
    He swung out of bed and knelt on the cold boards. He prayed, silently and fiercely, but in less than a minute, the black clouds started to roll into his mind and then dozens of questions filled his head, like echoing taunts. Why had God taken his mam? Why hadn't anyone come for Paddy? Why wasn't there any comfort in prayer? Why couldn't he hear God if MacCrae could? Why didn't he know what he was meant to do?
    â€˜Delaney,’ came a small voice in the darkness. ‘I'm sorry for your news.’
    Paddy looked across at MacCrae.
    â€˜It doesn't make any sense,’ said Paddy.
    MacCrae was silent for a while. Finally, he spoke in a low whisper.
    â€˜It's God's will. St Ignatius said that God has a plan for you. You have to believe that. If you surrender yourself into God's hands, he'll show you the way.’
    Paddy lay his head down on the bed and let his hands hang limply by his side.
    â€˜I'm not like you, MacCrae.’
    â€˜No, but you have your own path to follow.’
    Paddy's mind was full of dark thoughts and he couldn't see any path. At that moment, the only action he could envision was throttling MacCrae. If God bothered to look inside Paddy's dark soul, he'd probably damn him to hell. He got up off his knees, climbed back beneath the blankets and lay rigid, listening to the sounds of the other boys' breathing. Finally, when everyone was asleep, Paddy slipped out of bed. He dressed quietly, putting on extra layers and stuffing the rest of his clothes into his satchel. He pulled his cap low over his face and then, carrying his boots in one hand and satchel in the other, he tiptoed to the dormitory doorway.
    The gas lamp in the hallway sent a golden glow across the stairs. Paddy held his breath and clutched his boots against his chest. Any moment, someone might come out, one of the brothers or priests on patrol. What would he say to them? How would he explain himself? He wasn't sure. He only knew he had to get away from St Columcille's. With Mam dead, there was no reason to stay.
    Paddy made it out into the entrance without anyone raising the alarm. He ran across the grounds, the grass wet beneath