Being Magdalene by Fleur Beale Read Free Book Online Page B

there?’
    We weren’t supposed to talk to worldly people. But Elder Stephen said it was a sin to be sick. Did that mean it was all right to talk to a doctor? It was all too hard. ‘Yes. The beach is nice.’
    He asked more questions. They were difficult because I couldn’t remember digging the hole, but my hands were stinging now and I’d seen the bloodso I must have done it. It was frightening not to remember.
    ‘It’s all right, Magdalene. Don’t fret about it. I’ve had a chat to Abraham. Is he your favourite brother?’
    ‘Him and Luke and …’ I couldn’t say Daniel’s name. ‘Both of them.’
    ‘Does anyone at home ever hurt you?’
    I didn’t want to cry, but tears dripped down my face. ‘Yes.’
    He picked up my hand and cradled it in his — the one with the wedding ring. ‘Show me where. See this doll? You point to where you get hurt.’
    I couldn’t look at the doll. It had no clothes on. Instead, I put my hand on my own chest. ‘Here.’
    ‘They hurt your chest?’
    I shook my head. ‘My heart. Father hurts my heart. He growls at Zillah and prays to the Lord to make her into a seemly and obedient child. But she’s not sinful — she’s not. And Abraham wants to learn about electronics for tractors but the Rule says it’s worldly education and Father won’t let him. I pray to the Lord but …’ I stopped. It was a wicked transgression to talk about the Children of the Faith to worldly people.
    The doctor said nothing for a while, but I saw him exchange looks with the nurse. She asked the next question. ‘Does your Father smack you when you’re naughty?’
    Why would she think that? ‘No! Of course not. He sends us to the discipline room for the day. We have to learn a psalm.’ I didn’t tell them about the bread and water.
    ‘Do you want to do things he won’t let you, Magdalene?’ Doctor Alex asked.
    ‘Yes, but I can’t. It’s against the Rule.’
    He said, in his friendly voice, ‘Tell us one thing you’d like to do.’
    So many things. ‘I’d like to worship the Lord with a joyful heart.’
    He said nothing, so I shut my eyes. Perhaps they’d all go away and I’d be at home helping Mother when I woke up.
    A hand stroked my forehead and Doctor Alex said, ‘Can you remember why you got upset today, Magdalene?’
    That was easy. ‘I thought he would die.’
    ‘Who, honey?’
    I looked at the nurse. ‘Abraham. Elder Stephen didn’t read his name out today and Abraham was angry. He was already angry because the Rule won’t let him learn about electronics.’ I took a breath. ‘He said it was too much and I thought he was going to go away and he’d be dead to us.’ I stopped, but the doctor said, ‘Go on.’
    I sighed. ‘They all go away and then they’re dead. I don’t want Abraham to go away. I don’t want him to be dead to us.’
    The nurse said, ‘Who else went away and died, Magdalene?’
    ‘Miriam did. Daniel and Rebecca. And Esther. They all ran away and now they’re all dead to us.’ I would be damned for ever for speaking of them, and for speaking of them to worldly people. Fatherwould pray for me, but it wouldn’t be any use. The Lord didn’t hear my prayers and He didn’t hear Father’s either.
    The phone on the desk rang softly into the silence.
    ‘Damn,’ Doctor Alex said. ‘Hang on a second, Magdalene.’ He listened then said, ‘Show him in.’
    It was Father, come to take me home.
    He came in quietly and stood for a moment, looking at me.
    ‘I am sorry, Father.’
    ‘It has been a sorry day, daughter. Get dressed now. I will take you home.’ He set a folded skirt down on the bed and turned away.
    The nurse twitched the curtain across the bed, then helped me into the skirt. Abraham must have gone home for it.
    On the other side of the curtain, I heard Father ask, ‘Is my daughter ill?’
    The doctor seemed to be picking his words carefully when he answered. ‘Not exactly. I believe she’s had a severe reaction to accumulated