Between the Stars and Sky by David James Read Free Book Online Page B

Sarah on the beach.
    I wake to her.
    Her eyes are closed. I watched the way she fell asleep, like she was holding back, holding on to something until she couldn’t anymore. Until she let herself go, let sleep take over.
    Slow.
    So, so slow-
    and then in an instant.
    And it occurs to me that so many things happen this way. It’s like falling in love, like growing older, like losing a parent. The best and worst things happen before we even know they did; that is their beauty and their betrayal. Darkness still pulls at the sky, though the stars are not as bright. Still, those dark moments find me and I feel like falling into them, but not with her. Not with Sarah here and now, and not with the hope that there is more.
    I feel stronger.
    Instead of falling, I fly.
    I will remember this when I jump from here during the Firelight Fall. I will remember this feeling: Like I’m already flying off the cliff higher and higher until I touch the clouds with my heart.
    With Sarah.

Chapter Nine
     
    THERE IS A SONG my mother used to sing to me. Before I closed  my eyes to sleep. Before the night fell fully dark, she would sing me a soft song of heavy promises. This song is my first memory of her, but not my last.
     
    Close your eyes, Baby Blue
    Listen to the night, silent and still
     
    Her voice was a quiet melody of broken sounds and soft lilts; there was nothing beautiful about her voice, but I thought the world of it. I still do.
     
    Dream about the stars, bright and big
    Paint with your heart, the colors of your dream
    She would sit on my bed, tucking my covers under my sides and my hair behind my ears. Smiling. Always smiling even when her eyes were wet with things she wouldn’t say to me. She sang to me every single night until I was eight, and even after always made sure I had a smile before I closed my eyes. Even when she didn’t sing, I heard the song. I remembered.
     
    Never be afraid to smile so free
    You are safe, Little Baby Blue
     
    I didn’t know until Dad called me from the hospital. Mom was almost gone. Almost burned away, her spirit. Her life. Everything about her, except my memories, was nearly vanished. Come quick. Don’t bring Natalie. Not for this. Not now. Don’t need your girlfriend for-
    this .
    Family only.
    At this place where we shouldn’t be.
    This -
    place
    between
    my
    life
    and
    the
    death
    of
    my
    mother.
     
    You are loved, little one
    You are mine, forever and ever
     
    She lied.
     
    I’ll never leave your side
    So, Little Baby Blue, close your eyes.
     
    She promised me so much.
    Mom .
    And
    didn’t
    keep
    a
    word.
     
    *   *   *
     
    Now, I don’t forget but I don’t dwell.
    Or maybe I do.
    Maybe I do think about the times when my mother was alive and wish those memories were now and here and everything about who I am today.
    Is that so bad?
    Wanting my mother back?
    But, with Sarah, a part of me is filled. A part of my heart doesn’t cry as much for the mother I lost, isn’t as complicated, and instead smiles for the girl I found.
    I’m not sure if this is good or bad. If Sarah is closing a part of me that should be reserved for my mother, my family, or if she’s letting loose the space I need to move on and love again, more and more and more.
    Remembering or forgetting.
    But I can’t stop it.
    Can’t stop either.
    I can’t.
    And maybe that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.
     
    *   *   *
     
    My fingers hover over my phone, waiting and wanting to push the tiny, neon buttons. Waiting for my father to call. Wanting to call him.
    But he doesn’t.
    And I don’t.
    Not yet.
    Maybe one day, when we’re both brave enough, we will face each other like we’re meant to, instead of hiding behind memories of our family already gone.
    I almost laugh.
    Because I know I should call him. I miss him, the one person who is going through exactly what I am. He lost her too. My father. I know I should be the one to make this right when I was stubborn enough to push him away from