Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir by Jen Lancaster Read Free Book Online Page B

market capitalization. Even after I’d been there a few months, I called them all Josh because I couldn’t tell them apart. Franco, everyone’s favorite Lincoln Park barber, gave them all the same haircut, and every day they showed up to work in tan pants and French blue dress shirts. I’m not sure Stan could ever differentiate between them, either.
    Fortunately, cohesion was Stan’s goal. As part of his plan, we were required to take business trips en masse. He liked the idea of all his salespeople out together at trendy eateries, sporting our logo shirts for branding purposes. However, being with these guys every day and most evenings began to wear on me. One can only hear about Cornell’s winning football program so many times, you know?
    On my first joint venture to New York, I got stuck with one of the Joshes for the day. Josh had trained me, and I use that term loosely. His sales pitch entailed boring the customer into submission. The only thing I’d learned from him was how not to sell.
    “Explain to me again why I have to come with you today,” I said during our mandatory group breakfast. I’d already closed three deals on this trip, and dammit, I’d EARNED an afternoon of shopping by myself. The closest I’d come to Fifth Avenue so far was an airport candy bar.
    Josh sighed and paused before answering. He took a handkerchief out of his pocket and used it to wipe his glasses. “Jennifer, I’ve been tasked with training you and I take my responsibilities seriously.”
    No shit, you giant handkerchief-carrying dork. You take everything seriously. You wouldn’t know a good time if it bit you on the ass.
    “I’ve retired my sales goal for the entire year and it’s only March,” I replied. “Shouldn’t that prove I’m already trained?”
    I should be giving YOU lessons on how to work a customer, pal.
    “All it proves is that I’ve done a first-rate job in your sales education. Imagine how much more effective you will be when we reach the conclusion of our sessions together.”
    Imagine how effective I could be at removing your pancreas with my grapefruit knife when we reach the conclusion of this conversation.
    That afternoon, I sulked all the way from our midtown hotel to lower Manhattan. After passing what seemed like a million cool shoe stores and indie coffee shops that I could have been patronizing , we arrived at our destination.
    We were to meet with Lawrence. Lawrence was a vice president at, um, let’s call it an influential business publication. I was, of course, stoked because there’s nobody more interesting than a financial journalist, especially once he’s become management.
    Oh, wait, except everyone.
    It was going to be a long afternoon.
    We gave our names at the security desk and were guided to a bank of elevators. I punched the UP button and waited. Josh pressed right after me. Apparently I hadn’t pushed it to his satisfaction, but I bit my tongue.
    As we entered the elevator, Josh turned to me and said, “Since you’re still learning the sales process, I’d prefer that you not speak in this meeting.”
    “Come again?” Did I hear him correctly?
    “In the meeting, please don’t say anything unless you’ve been addressed. I don’t want the client to get confused. You are not yet up to speed on the way I pitch, and I want to present a consistent message.”
    I had to give up shopping for this?
    “Shall I also walk three paces behind you, Josh- san ?” I asked, bowing slightly.
    “Oh, I don’t think that will be necessary,” he replied. Apparently Harvard didn’t teach him to detect sarcasm.
    We got to reception and a secretary guided us to a lush conference room on the fortieth floor and brought us espresso in beautiful enameled cups. The chairs were elaborately hand-tooled leather jobs and the giant round table had cherrywood inlays. The mahogany paneled walls were covered with Asian-influenced oil paintings, and a variety of interesting vases were scattered