Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise by Adam Spielman Read Free Book Online Page A

the moon to the coppers, and said, “You’ll never take me alive.”  He drank the moon and met the darkness in the canyon with a high five. 
    And his nights he spent with Cherry.
    2
    Then one day, while Jim cavorted through the aromas of Downtown, he came upon the angel who said fuck and laughed at suffering.  The angel was handing out flyers to passersby, so Jim took one.  He read,
    Annual Cleopatra Lottery
    Spend a night with the Egyptian Queen!
    Enter in person at: 777 Lay Lady Lane.
    Take your chances or accept your fate.  Just don’t be late!
    The Cleopatra Lottery is run by the Paradise Grant Committee and is in full compliance with the Pussy Pact.  All participants enter willingly and with full knowledge that their Indulgence Rights will be thoroughly abused.
    Jim said to the angel, “Angel, hey.  What is this?”
    “It is what it says it is,” the angel said.
    “Yeah, but what is it?”
    The angel looked at him and recognized him.  “Oh, it’s you.  We run these things all the time.  Winner of this one gets to bury his bone in the Queen of the Nile.  You really haven’t rolled for a scorcher yet?  You’re not exactly fresh from the circus anymore.”
    “Been kind of busy,” Jim said.  “So if I win this I really get to lay Cleopatra?”
    “Yep.”
    “What about this bit here?  Take your chances or accept your fate.   What does that mean?  What’s the difference?”
    “You don’t learn so quick, do you,” the angel said.  “Last time you asked me something like that, I heard they shot you out of a tiny cannon.”
    “Oh yeah.”  Jim checked the boulevard for philosophers.  He saw none, so he said, “Give me a hint?”
    The angel shrugged.  Then he struck Jim in the face with his fist.  It was a mighty strike, for the angel was an angel, and Jim fell upon the sidewalk. 
    “Dude.  What the hell?”
    And the angel said, “ Chance is which hand I hit you with.  Fate is when you hit the ground.”  Followed by a chuckle .
    3
    Lay Lady Lane was a long and shining broadway of neon lights and marquis that flashed the names of history’s sexiest women.  There were marquis for Marilyn Monroe, Mata Hari, Pocahontas, Jackie Kennedy, Audrey Hepburn, Madhubala, Nefertiti, Grace Kelly, Joan of Arc, and a thousand more.  Above them all and at the center the name of Cleopatra glittered.
    Jim went through the doors that revolved beneath the marquis.  In the lobby there was the banter of hopeful men.  Each man was queued in one of two lines: one line for men who took their chances, and one line for men who accepted their fate.
    Jim went to the help desk.  Behind it was a man whose nametag said, Butch, Angel in Training.
    “First time?” said Butch.
    “Yeah.”
    “Well, it’s pretty simple.  You go through that door, you get what’s coming to you.  You go through that one, you get something else.  It’s like, you walk the path or you roll the dice.”
    “Dice?”  Jim checked his pocket.  He still had the glossy red dice from the other side of the brick wall at the edge of paradise .  “Seems like fate could do dice, too.”
    “Well, flip a coin, then.”
    Jim didn’t have any coins, so he was forced to accept the redaction.  “What about this part here?  The part that says my indulgence rights will be thoroughly abused.  I don’t like the sound of that.”
    “Really?”
    “What?”
    “You’re here for a chance to put your dick in the queen and you’re asking me about the fine print.”
    “How do you know I’ll do the chance thing?”
    “From one guy to another, you don’t exactly have the gravity of fate under you.”
    After some consideration, Jim decided that this was not an insult.  “Indulge me,” he said.
    “Tell you what.”  Butch cracked his knuckles.  “Here’s the short of it.  Lucy, her whole thing is everybody gets what they want, right?  She hates rules.  But what’s the first thing you want to do when you get here?  You want