existing without it. He’d never even hoped for such a possibility.
And yet now for it to be given to him, and taken away, virtually in the same breath was too much to consider. To accept. He was left speechless, his mind spinning in dizzying circles, his heart thudding as if he’d just finished a sprint.
He didn’t know what to think. To feel. And he was afraid? yes, afraid—to open up the floodgates of his own heart and mind to all the possibilities, all the realisations, all the regret and guilt and hope and fear. They would consume him; he would have nothing left. Nothing he could count on or control. He couldn’t do that. Not yet, maybe not ever.
He needed to get this situation back under control, Jace knew, and there was only one way to do that.
‘So,’ Jace said, and was glad to hear how even his voice sounded. ‘Let’s talk about this party.’
CHAPTER FOUR
‘W HAT?’ Eleanor heard the screech of her own voice and briefly closed her eyes. She opened them and shook her head. ‘No.’
Jace arched an eyebrow in challenge. ‘Why not? You didn’t seem to have a problem with planning the party before.’
‘You can’t be serious. After everything—’
‘We’re professionals, Eleanor.’ Jace’s voice was hard, and Eleanor saw a bleak darkness in his eyes. She felt its answer in herself, and she wondered if Jace was trying to prove something to himself, just as she was.
The past is finished. It doesn’t matter. I’m not hurt.
But she was. And she was so tired of pretending she wasn’t. Yet even so she couldn’t admit that to Jace. She felt exposed enough, considering all she’d already revealed. She wasn’t about to say anything more. ‘Of course we’re professionals, Jace. But I simply think it would be sensible?not to mention more productive—to have a colleague plan your event.’
‘I don’t.’
Why was he doing this? She shook her head again. ‘I told you at your office—’
‘That you were quitting? Lucky for you I didn’t communicate that to your boss. I don’t think she would have been pleased. And somehow I had a feeling you might change your mind.’ His mouth twisted sardonically, his eyes glinting.
Eleanor didn’t answer. She knew just how displeased Lily would have been. She might have thrown her entire careeraway in a single, emotional moment, and Jace at least had had the presence of mind not to let her do it.
She supposed she should be grateful.
Eleanor walked slowly back to the window. It had become her place of retreat; either that or she was simply backed into a corner. ‘I don’t understand why you want to do this,’ she said quietly. ‘Or what can be gained—for either of us.’
Jace shrugged one powerful shoulder. ‘You’re the best planner. Or so I was told.’
‘You didn’t even like my ideas,’ Eleanor protested numbly. What she really wanted to say was,
Why doesn’t being with me hurt you?
She felt his presence like an agony, exquisitely painful. And he wanted her to plan his
party?
‘I just know you can do better.’
She shook her head, even as she acknowledged that he was right. She
could
do better. She’d fought long and hard to get to where she was in her business and stay there. And she wasn’t about to throw it all away simply because Jace had come back into her life—however briefly—and stirred up some old memories. She could shove them down again. She could handle this party. She could handle Jace. Doing it would help her feel more in control, and God knew she needed to feel that again.
She felt as if she were spinning out of it, and she couldn’t stand the sense of powerlessness. She’d felt that before, when Jace had walked out of her life. When the ultrasound technician had sorrowfully shaken her head, and the doctor had come in to give her lots of important-sounding words and clinical, medical terms.
She wasn’t going to feel it now.
She turned around. Jace gazed at her, waiting, assessing. She had no idea why