Cannibals in Love by Mike Roberts Read Free Book Online Page B

about Cokie. She said she needed to repair the things that we’d undone. Lauren acted cavalier about this, saying it had all been childish in the end. We’d had our fun, and now it was over. C’est la vie .
    But even as I agreed with her, I knew I didn’t agree. I didn’t want to stop. I felt like Cokie had given us permission to try and make it work, even. But Lauren was adamant that this was about their relationship—Lauren and Cokie.
    Right, I said, of course. And then I had no choice but to back off.
    The Tomboys retreated into their friends. A whole new cast of characters, it seemed to me. These superficial, asshole kids that I hated unreasonably. All boys, too, because Lauren and Cokie didn’t seem to have any real girlfriends, outside of each other. They would invite me out, but I found it impossible to sit there listlessly, or join into their conversations about obscure bands and important DJ sets. These dudes who were always laughing but seemed to have no sense of humor at all.
    Worse, Lauren was ignoring me again.
    I followed her outside the bar one night, where she was smoking a cigarette alone.
    â€œYou’re smoking now?” I asked her critically.
    â€œNot really,” she said, blowing the smoke away from me.
    â€œIt’s just sort of a disgusting habit, don’t you think?”
    â€œIs it?” she asked, looking away.
    â€œI just think it’s kind of sad, you know? It seems like you’re turning into all of your elitist friends.”
    â€œYou don’t even know them.”
    â€œYeah, I know, right. Thank god for that.”
    She almost had to laugh then, putting up her hands like it was unbearable to even affect patience with me. “What do you want me to say? Does it even matter? You don’t even listen to me.”
    â€œI am listening,” I said. “And I’m disagreeing with you.”
    â€œYou’re being insanely, abrasively arrogant. And I don’t know how to deal with you this way.”
    â€œGood,” I said. “If we’re finally going to talk about real things, we can start with how condescending you’ve been acting toward me lately.”
    Lauren sighed patiently. “Your attitude is the cause of my attitude.”
    â€œNo. That doesn’t mean anything. You’re not allowed to simply reverse the things that I say.”
    â€œPlease don’t talk down to me.”
    â€œI’m not!”
    â€œI can’t help the way I feel,” she said maddeningly.
    This was not how I’d wanted it to go. I was losing ground and making things worse, and I desperately wanted to reset. “I just want us to be together,” I said earnestly.
    â€œWe tried that.”
    â€œNo. But we didn’t, not really. Okay, because, see…” I stopped myself. “I think I might be in love with you. And I didn’t think I could say that, but I’ve said it.”
    It hung there uncertainly as Lauren’s face softened in a way I couldn’t read.
    â€œI just think we should try to be friends right now,” she said.
    â€œWhy are you always trying to pick a fight with me!” I shouted.
    *   *   *
    That was the end. I felt trampled and manipulated, and I was done with the whole thing. I’d let Lauren turn me into a crushing bore, and I resented her for that. It was exhausting trying to stay so goddamn angry. All I wanted now was for things to stop changing.
    I went back to my own friends, where I didn’t have to try so hard. I could be sour and sarcastic and drunk, and they didn’t even care. They hardly noticed if I was more depressed or belligerent than usual, and I loved them for that.
    And then, one day, near the end of the summer, I ran into Cokie on the street. We got to laughing easily, and it struck me that Cokie had not done anything to me. She was not Lauren, and I seized on this impulse to invite her over to my house for dinner.