Can't Wait to Get to Heaven by Fannie Flagg Read Free Book Online

she was in the emergency room at a strange hospital in God knows what kind of condition. As Norma sat there and waited for the bells to stop clanging and the red and white arms of the railroad cross stoop to finish lifting, she too joined the club and wondered, “What is life all about anyway?”

The Waiting Room

    9:58 AM
    B ecause of the delay at the train crossing Norma and Macky arrived at the hospital about eight minutes after the ambulance. The woman at the admittance desk told them that Elner was in the emergency room and she had no information on her condition, but the doctor would meet them in the waiting room and give them a report as soon as he knew something. Meanwhile Norma had to fill out a bunch of insurance forms and answer all the medical questions as best she could. Her hands were shaking so badly she could hardly write.
    Of course she never really knew what to put down as Aunt Elner’s age. Like most people back then, she had been born at home and the only evidence of her birth date had been recorded in the family Bible, but the Bible had disappeared years ago. Norma’s mother had always lied about her own age, and was most likely the one who had gotten rid of the Bible, so now there was no telling how old Aunt Elner was, so she just put down eighty-nine.
    She turned to Macky. “Do you think she’s allergic to any medications?”
    He shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.”
    She went down the list of all past or present ailments and was able to check off no on every one. As far as she knew, Aunt Elner had never really been sick a day in her life, although she didn’t know why. Most people her age had already had something, and with how she ate, and cooked everything in butter, she should have had diabetes or a heart attack years ago, but she was still in good health, as far as Norma could tell. She was certainly not frail. Norma knew that she was always lifting twenty-pound bags of birdseed even though she had asked her not to. After she finished filling out all the forms, Norma turned again to Macky. “Should we call Linda and let her know what’s happened?”
    “No, honey, let’s just wait and see what’s going on, there’s no need to get her upset for nothing. She’s in good hands, everything will be fine, you’ll see.” Norma took a deep breath and reached over and squeezed Macky’s hand. “Thank God I have you. I don’t know what I would do without you, just go completely insane, I guess.”

Yoo Hoo!

    10:09 AM
    W hen Elner woke up from her nap, the room was pitch black and she had no idea what time it was, but she knew she was still in the hospital, because she could hear those beeping sounds and people walking around outside the door. She figured she must be all right, though, because she was not in pain and she could move all her fingers and toes. No broken bones, that was good. She lay there for a few more minutes and wondered where Norma and Macky were. “Oh, well,” she thought. Norma might have had another one of her fainting spells and that had waylaid them getting to the hospital. They would be here pretty soon, she guessed, but in the meantime, she hoped those people in the green smocks had not stuck her in some room and forgotten where she was. “I hope they didn’t lose me.” It would be pretty hard to lose a big fat old woman like herself, but if by any chance they had lost her, she knew Norma would be fit to be tied.
    Poor little Norma had inherited her good looks and bad nerves from her mother. Elner had always been a pleasant-looking woman but never a beauty like her youngest sister, Ida. She had never been a nervous or high-strung person either, and pretty much took things as they came, but Ida had been a nervous child growing up and so had Norma. Although Elner loved Norma like her own child, she could be hard to deal with at times. Norma, for example, was a clean freak. Macky used to say that he was scared to get up in the middle of the night to go to the