most honest thing I had ever said in my life. “I mean I’ve always been looking for something. I just never knew what it was.”
“Is there any chance that I could help you find it?” He asked the question and I didn’t really know how to respond. It was the first time that I had ever been so blunt with someone, and I was shocked by his response. I didn’t say anything. “Am I being too pushy?”
“No, no, I just wasn’t expecting anything like this.” I looked at him. “To be honest, I hadn’t really told anyone this before. I didn’t expect to be talking about my own personal problems during this. This doesn’t exactly seem to be the right time or place.”
He moved closer. He was just wearing his jeans now but other than that, he was naked. I could feel the heat flowing off of his skin. “It’s okay. I don’t mean to be pushy. I’ve been looking for something too. I just had no idea what I was doing, what I was looking for, but when I look at you.” He looked down, shame crossing his face. “I don’t know, it’s too early, I know this. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do this.”
“I didn’t mean to push.” I hadn’t been pushing. I knew that, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“I just feel like I’ve known you for years. I can see the pain in your face and I want to take all of that pain away.” He couldn’t look me in the eye when he told me those words.
I stood there, staring at him, laid bare before me. I didn’t know what I was doing, what I was going to do about what he was saying. The kind of confession that he had just made meant something, it was important and I didn’t know how to respond.
“I-I-I—” I started to say something, but didn’t know how I was going to say it.
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry that I brought it up. We’ve only known each other for a day or two. It isn’t right for me to do this to you.” He held my hand and I could feel the sparks starting to fly across my skin. There was something about his touch.
“Does deer meat sound good for lunch?” I looked down at the bag, trying to change the subject.
He looked at me, grateful for something new to discuss. “Sounds wonderful.”
There was a bright smile on his face. I served out the meat, but we didn’t start a fire. We had a lot of things to focus on. We drank some of the water that we had gathered from the spring before we had left. It was a lunch steeped in silence. It felt like we had both said to much as we ate and neither of us could find a comfortable place to start into speaking again. We were both awkward. It was almost like being back in high school, unable to find the right way to say what we needed to say, and unable to take back what had already been said.
We finished our meal in awkward silence and he stripped again. He was going to change back into his wolf form and didn’t want his clothes to change with him. I watched him change through shaded eyes. I didn’t really find a way to hide my glances too much, but he ignored what I was doing. I was grateful for that. I really didn’t want to find myself trapped in another awkward conversation. The truth was, I didn’t know how we were going to respond to what had been said. A part of me thought we would never see each other again after this. That frightened me. I had grown so close to this man, so attached that I almost wanted our ordeal to continue so that we wouldn’t have to say goodbye.
While we walked, I thought about mating. I wondered what it would be like. I had explored the possibilities in my mind a thousand times. It wasn’t like I wasn’t allowed to physically explore before I picked a mate, but eventually I was expected to choose someone. I hadn’t had much interest in mating before, not really. There were so many rules, so many considerations to the way that we lived our life. We also had a natural urge to mate for life. It was what we had always done and it had been the way that we kept our
Learning to Kill: Stories