Checkout by Anna Sam Read Free Book Online

think again and get to work. At least 350 customers to serve during the day and five are already waiting (crafty ones … they were following you while you hunted for a chair). There’s not a moment to lose. You can get your breath back at your next break.
    But why, you ask, wasn’t there a chair at your till?
    Answer: there used to be enough chairs for everyone but it would be too easy just to replace every broken one, and, anyway, it’s a fun game, isn’t it?

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
    Supermarkets – veritable treasure troves but, unfortunately, everything has to be paid for. Sometimes, though, especially if your purse is empty, or you’re a kleptomaniac, the temptation to steal is just too strong. It’s only human. But if you don’t want to get caught, dear customer, avoid the following ploys, which are all too well known by checkout girls, or else make sure you perfect them.
The smooth talker
    This ploy involves being very voluble. The customer relates their life story and tells lots of jokes with extravagant gestures. This customer is a real clown – actually, a real magician. They hope to distract thecheckout girl’s attention so that she won’t notice that underneath their coat their stomach is strangely round.
    Do you have the gift of the gab like Graham Norton or Russell Brand? Give it a go but you must be sure you have the necessary talent, otherwise your next performance will be in front of a couple of police officers …
The arguing couple
    While the checkout girl scans their items a sudden violent argument breaks out between husband and wife about why they have bought some products twice or the colour of the loo roll … The tension increases and they come to blows. The checkout girl doesn’t know what to do and looks at the floor. They use the opportunity to whisk through a rucksack full of shopping.
    Forget this tactic. Most checkout girls today love domestics and won’t miss a moment – unless you go so far as to tear each other’s clothes off (but that technique might attract too much attention).
The secreter
    This customer puts a blank CD in a box of Camembert, batteries inside packs of Coke cans, etc. All products which could be used to ‘cover’ others are well known bycheckout girls. You’ll either need more imagination or you’ll need to come with a shopping bag with a false bottom. By the way you can also forget the ‘Oh, I didn’t see it!’ excuse when the checkout girl discovers the booty …
The outraged customer
    This customer is going out with his shopping when the security alarm sounds. Immediately he cries, ‘It’s a scandal! … Unbelievable! … You can’t treat me like a thief when it’s daylight robbery in this supermaket! … The alarm must be broken, this happened last time too! … I’m never coming back here.’ The customer is hoping to intimidate the checkout girl or the security guard so they won’t ask to see his purchases and will just let him through, worn down by his shouting. Even if you can be really frightening, forget this tactic. It has been used to death.
The athlete
    The athlete passes through the tills at the speed of light, a large item under his arm and takes everyone by surprise. You need to be extremely fit with a good knowledge of rugby tactics to avoid being flattened at the exit by the security guards.

The bar-code switcher
    He will swap the bar code of the product he wants to buy for that of a cheaper product. Two drawbacks: today the labels with the bar codes are very difficult, almost impossible, to remove, and they break easily. And secondly, you are unlikely to get away with it. The checkout girl will notice if a pan costs the same as a packet of salt. Don’t take her for an idiot – it’s an error that could be your undoing.
Out of sight, out of mind
    He queues like everyone else. The checkout girl thinks he’s a normal customer who is quietly waiting his turn. But suddenly he leaves the queue and makes a dash for the