Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler Read Free Book Online Page B

Grey Gardens is on later, and I need to hear Drew Barrymore's accent."
    "Chelsea, you are Grey Gardens !"
    It dawned on me that she was indeed correct. "Too soon, Sarah. Too soon."
    "Just TiVo it."
    "What do you think, I live inside a Best Buy?"
    "Well, I blame Ted for that. You're practically crippled. I'm surprised you can even answer the phone."
    "That's what I keep saying!"
    "To Ted?"
    "No, to myself."
    "Exactly."
    "You are supposed to be a grown-up. You have your own television show."
    "But it's on E!"
    "I know, but you still have a whole staff that is depending on you."
    "To go to happy hour?"
    "To stay somewhat sane."
    "Well, I don't know what to tell you."
    "Yeah, so get your shit together. Your shit is not together."
    "Okay."
    "Do you even know how to use the shower?"
    "Sometimes." I hung up, took off my bra and underwear, threw them both in the garbage, and got my shit together. I then gave myself a full-body examination, to eliminate the threat of adult-onset bedsores. "All clear!"
    After my shower I felt like I had a new lease on life. I knew if I really stayed focused and applied myself, I could actually TiVo Grey Gardens later that night. I walked to my car with a little extra bounce in my step and also a little limp, glad I was able to handle some sort of electronics without anyone else's assistance. I now have a season pass to Grey's Anatomy .

Chapter Four
Dudley
    E very once in a while, I like to send out an all-staff e-mail to find out who the dumbest people working on my show are. The e-mail below is something I asked my assistant to devise based on the fact that we still had a doctor's table for a skit we did on the show called "Dr. Lately." Since production had paid to rent the table and we still had it for a few days, I thought it made perfect sense to get our money's worth and see how many people would believe that a gynecologist was coming in to perform a couple of Pap smears. Here is what Eva sent out to the staff:
Hi there,
Dr. Clara, MD, will be here on Tuesday, April 14th from 4:30-6:30pm . She is available for individual concentration and will be setting up 20-30 minute appointments on stage 2. Dr. Clara is dedicated to providing outstanding care for patients needing pap smears, adolescent medicine, gynecology, infertility, high-risk obstetrics, STD testing and questions relating to male/female health overall. Space is limited so please email me if you would like to schedule an appointment. She will also be providing the appropriate garments for any examinations. Prices and co-pay vary depending on insurance and for more information on Dr. Clara, MD, and her practice, visit: West Los Angeles Women's Care.com .
Thanks!!
    I had Eva CC my boyfriend, Ted, on the e-mail so that he could be aware of how I was spending my day, especially since he also happens to be the CEO of the network that my show is on. Ted's office is in a different building from ours, so we are essentially unsupervised and generally unproductive. Ted, instead of realizing that this was obviously a joke, responded with this e-mail to Eva:
Don't say anything yet to CH but having outside Dr in is a problem as outlined below. I'm going to try to help here but at the very least, the dr is going to have to sign a letter indemnifying us.
Generally speaking, this is something we would suggest we avoid and not do on our premises... but it also seems as if the wheels have already been put in motion so we need to consider how to handle that as well...
    Below is the e-mail Ted received from his legal team later that day, which he forwarded to Eva:
Here are two preliminary concerns. There may be an expressed or implied endorsement of this particular physician by us taking such an active role in setting her appointments and allowing her to conduct those appointments on premises, most specifically, pap smears. If the company is perceived as endorsing this physician, do we take on the liability for anything this physician does (including a