Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler Read Free Book Online

speaker-phone when we talked to the Humane Society, Chelsea. And if you remember correctly, their suggestion was that you don't get any pets, period."
    I decided to ignore this comment and pressed forward. "Why can't we just get a baby dolphin and I'll smoke a bunch of pot around it so it doesn't grow?"
    "Is this conversation over, or are we still talking?"
    "No one in the building has to know. We can bring it up through the balcony outside."
    "Chelsea, we can't get a dolphin. This isn't an aquarium, and there is no way to hide transporting a dolphin through our balcony. This isn't a private residence. It's a condominium. There are people everywhere. If you know a dolphin dealer who can get a little-person dolphin, then I will do everything in my power to get you one, but my fear is that it will continually just head-butt itself into the front of the fish tank. There is a limit to how big the fish tank can be, and condo living is no life for a dolphin. I told you I can get you a tiger shark. That's legal."
    "Fine, you want to get that shark, we'll get that shark. Oh, I'm going to get that shark all right. I'm going to sit in front of the fish tank and give it the finger all day long while I watch it head-butt itself."
    I threw my BlackBerry against the wall.
    "This is what Ted had intended all along," I said to one of the knives lying on the counter. "To render me completely useless. To have me be dependent on him for everything, so if I ever broke free, I would be forced to return if I wanted to watch TV or preheat an oven again."
    What a sham. I looked at the sun desperately trying to creep in from outside, and I felt awful. Why couldn't it just start raining so I would stop feeling so guilty about lying around in my bra and underwear in an environment that would surely be awarded an F by the Health Department?
    While I was pouring myself a vodka and Clamato juice, I briefly considered going for a run, and instead I went into my bathroom to get a Vicodin I had left over from the batch I was given after my vaginal-rejuvenation surgery. Before long I drifted into a very relaxing siesta.
    When you roll over in bed in the morning and hit a plate with the side of your head, you know things have gotten carried away. When you toss that plate on the floor, roll back over, and fall asleep again, you've hit another dimension. When you look at the clock and realize it's not morning but still the day before, you're either in Australia or you've gone into another dimension that isn't easy to get out of. It takes a discipline that is common only among Cheesecake Factory managers and people who maintain a weight over 350 pounds.
    Our landline rang again, and this time I pressed "talk."
    "Caller, go ahead."
    "Did I wake you?"
    "No."
    "Did you go for a run?"
    "Yes."
    "Are you writing?"
    "Who is this?"
    "It's Ted."
    "Caller, who are you calling for?"
    "The building Realtor wants to show our place tomorrow."
    "Negative."
    "Because you don't want to clean it or because you want to just lie around all day in your bra?"
    "I don't want to clean and I want to lie around in my bra, plus I've sustained an injury. Tomorrow's Sunday. Who knows when I'll wake up? It could be noon, it could be four."
    "Okay, I can cancel the showing, but then they'll want to come Monday. So should I have Maria come Monday morning, or do you think you'll be able to clean up yourself?"
    "I think you should call Maria."
    After we hung up, I looked at the clock. Eight P.M. Perfect movie starting time. I scrolled down and saw Sex and the City starting again at eight. I could have climaxed right there and then. I walked into my bathroom and saw a soup spoon on the scale and, next to a box of tissues, a cheeseburger ball half on a plate and half on the countertop. I couldn't believe that a tiny little cheeseburger was big enough to split into two on two different surfaces. Those Lean Pockets are full of scientific surprises. I didn't know what was happening to me, but I