Chester Fields by Charles Kohlberg Read Free Book Online

always sucked at math, I know exactly how long in earth seconds it takes for my life to flash before my eyes here. And believe me, it’s a number that begins with a decimal point followed by more zeros than what could exist in the largest computer ever built. So many times in the moments I’ve been here, I’ve relived all my deepest regrets. How I hurt one of the most beautiful girls, inside and out, I ever knew in my life, my wife, when during an argument early in our marriage, I dropped the “F bomb” on her.  Obviously, I was the young tactless asshole, and apologized right away when I realized how much it hurt her. But the damage was done. The pain and hurt in her beautifully unique, bright, almond shaped, brown with flecks of green eyes, burst the damn that was the walls of my hardened heart. In fact every time I relive the moments I ever saw pain in those beautiful eyes, it somehow stings throughout the body I no longer have. It stings all across creation and throughout eternity. This empty, infinite, sightless void; that is my existence; that is my universe; aches for her. Oh, every celestial body weeps in agony for all the times I ever caused that beautiful woman any pain. How I regret all the times we sat doing our thing in separate rooms of the house, one of us reading, one of us watching television, when we could have been next to each other. Words cannot express how I long for her touch, the aura of warmth around her body, her smell, her taste, her thoughts, her words, her deeds, and her lying next to me before or after we make love, how much I miss her, and how much better I would be if only I could somehow know her again, but the memory of her becomes more diluted by the moment or better described as all at once because time doesn’t exist. Oh if I could only somehow pull myself away from this…hell. Yet at the exact same time I feel absolutely nothing, but the weight of eternity. Yes, this is hell. And it took going to hell for me to realize what love is, and that I had love, and that love is real. Chester was right about everything. Hmmm. Chester; it seems like an eternity ago since we were in my office that afternoon, and that’s because it was. But at the same time, my eternity has been less than the blink of an eye to you.
    Now I understand that the sum of my profound pain; the sheer raw emotion generated in my loneliness, the frustration, sorrow, and the heartache that pines for the joy I once experienced; can only at best cause a minor ripple in the energy field that stretches across this infinite void. And someone receptive enough to such changes may pick up on it in the form of a fleeting thought, or idea. There’s no satisfaction on this end from any of it, that’s for sure. Even if the person receiving the idea is my wife, it doesn’t matter. So someone from another universe, possibly even my former world, who is open to creative impulses will connect with my ripple and receive my thoughts and feelings as though they’re their own. Maybe they’ll write a love song from a thought about my wife. Maybe they’ll even get the essence of what happened to me and write it as a story. Still, none of it will matter where I am. I am in and of an infinite void. Here, one doesn’t have to wait to become bored or driven nuts from the waiting, every moment here is eternity. I’m sure I went mad from it, the moment I got here. Oh, can someone please help? God, please, Chester! CHESTER!! Anyone; can you hear me? I have no eyes or tears, but I’m crying, weeping, I’m screaming; I’M SCREAMING !!  Please, let me sleep, let me die, let it stop. Please .