Cockeyed by Richard Stevenson Read Free Book Online

myself.”

    36 Richard Stevenson
    “Mary,” Art said.
    “Nelson and I met in the locker room of our gym on my third day back in Albany, and we have rarely spent a day apart since then. We are just wonderfully well suited for one another, and I consider myself just incredibly lucky to have found my perfect match.”
    Art had dried his hands on a paper towel, and now he went over and sat next to Hunny, who was starting to look queasy.
    Hunny said, “Lawn, please shut the door, will you, dear?”
    “This one is definitely not for the laundry basket,” Art said.
    Lawn closed the door to the living room and said, “What laundry basket?”
    “The laundry basket where we put all the letters and messages that have been coming in since Wednesday asking for money or trying to blackmail me,” Hunny said. “The basket is down in the basement, and it’s overflowing with piles and piles of all kinds of stuff. Mostly it’s people who want me to invest in something, or who want a donation for a walk or a swim for some awful disease, or their house was in a flood in Georgia or something. One lady said her astrologer told her I was her first husband in Australia and I still owe her child support. Most of the letters and phone messages are harmless like that, but some are mean and creepy and threatening. The nasty ones are the ones Donald is handling.
    If this is the Brienings, Nelson has been in touch with, Donald
    — girl, this is definitely a job for you.”
    “The Brienings are evil,” Art said. “I hope you’re ready to wrestle with Satan’s spawn, Donald.”
    “Who are these people?” Lawn said. “I’ve never even heard their name before. And Grandma Rita worked for them?”
    Hunny moaned. “Maybe I should just write them a check and that will be the end of it. Maybe I should look at this as an opportunity not to be missed, and maybe finally they’ll just go away.”
    “How would you go about making out a check for half a CoCkeyed 37
    billion dollars?” Art said. “Would you write on it five hundred million, or half a billion, or what? And would there be room to write in all those zeros in that tiny space they give you to write out the numbers?”
    Lawn stared. “You’ve got a billion dollars in your checking account, Hunny?”
    “Did you think I was going to stuff it down my cleavage?
    It’s actually one billion, four hundred and fifty-seven dollars. I checked the ATM on the way home this afternoon.”
    “That giant check they gave Hunny on The Today Show ,” Art said, “was a fake, just for show. The lottery commission provides you with direct deposit if you want it. Which is great. Direct deposit — that’s how I get my state pension and my Social Security. In Hunny’s case, it was a really good idea, so that on the way back from the city Hunny wouldn’t lose the check while he was blowing a truck driver at a Thruway service area.”
    Hunny chuckled and said, “There’s an excellent reason they call them ‘service areas,’” and Art snickered, too.
    On cue, Lawn looked aghast, and he didn’t look any happier when the kitchen door opened and one of the twins strolled in in his thong carrying more dirty glasses on a tray.
    “Tyler, dearest, just leave everything till tomorrow morning,”
    Art said.
    “Yes,” Hunny added. “You and Schuyler should go on out and enjoy yourselves. Artie and I are not going to make it to Rocks tonight, it looks like. Can you get a ride with Marylou, or do you have your motorbikes out front?”
    “Sho nuff,” was Tyler’s ambiguous answer. He winked at Lawn and sashayed back into the living room.
    Art said, “Now that Hunny has money, he’s going to put Tyler and Schuyler through medical school. Isn’t that great? They plan on becoming podiatrists. They both like feet.”
    Lawn checked his watch. “Nelson should be arriving soon.
    There can’t be much traffic coming in from Cobleskill this time 38 Richard Stevenson
    of night. Of course, it’s the