Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) by Flann O’Brien Read Free Book Online Page B

you, Margaret, quite fit. And you’re looking in the pink yourself. I sent you a telegram. Did you not get it?
    MARGARET: I only got it this morning a short time ago. I thought you’d be on the seven train in the evening. I could have sent the car if I knew you were coming.
    SHAW: Ao.
    MARGARET: It’s a great surprise to see you, James. I don’t think we have seen each other since Daddy’s funeral and that’s a long time ago.
    SHAW: I believe you’re right, Margaret. And that is quite a time, isn’t it? By the way—( He pauses and glances round at KELLY and the TOWN CLERK .)—by the way, Margaret, I should like to talk to you about something very important.
    MARGARET: ( Coming between SHAW and KELLY .) Yes. You know these gentlemen? They are friends of mine, very special friends—( Indicating KELLY .) This is the Chairman of the Urban Council in person. And this is his officer, the Town Clerk. ( She turns to KELLY and indicates SHAW .) This is my brother, Captain Shaw.
    ( KELLY and TOWN CLERK are astonished. )
    KELLY: Your brother! I didn’t know you had a brother, Margaret. You never told me.
    TOWN CLERK: Well, do you know, there’s a family resemblance there all right.
    MARGARET: ( Smiling. ) Well, you know, out of sight, out of mind. I haven’t seen James for nearly eighteen years. James lives in England and has lived there nearly all his life. ( She becomes anxious suddenly. ) There’s nothing wrong, James, is there? ( Sits on divan. KELLY, TOWN CLERK and SHAW sit. )
    SHAW: Ao, nao. I just dashed across to have a talk with you, Margaret. A heart-to-heart chat, you know, old girl.
    KELLY: Ah, yes. I see. I see.
    TOWN CLERK: Ah, sure the family tie is a grand thing.
    SHAW: Black Show, all right, breaking up of the home and the scattering of the family and all that. D’you know, I feel quite a foreigner here. And yet I’m Irish, aren’t I?
    TOWN CLERK: Yerrah, Captain, wait till you get a drop of the good ould creature into you. That’ll make you feel Irish again, that and a good feed of Cork crubeens.
    SHAW: Ao, really?
    KELLY: ( Rising, with an air of briskness. ) Now, Town Clerk, this is no place for us. Family conferences as I understand them must be conducted in strict privacy. Any other person, intimate friend of the family though he be, must in no circumstances intrude or violate that intimate and sacred privacy. Captain Shaw, I hope and pray I will have the pleasure and the privilege of meeting you again before you depart from our midst. ( SHAW and MARGARET rise. )
    SHAW: ( Bowing. ) A great pleasure, I am sure, old man.
    TOWN CLERK: Well, we’ll skidaddle, me an’ the Chairman. Let ye have ye’r talk here in peace. ( He moves to door, left. )
    MARGARET: Well, it’s a shame to be pushing you out like this but James doesn’t come to see me everyday.
    SHAW: Yes, you chaps, rather black shoe crowding you out, you know, but I want to talk to my sister here about a blighter called Kelly. The old girl hasn’t been behaving very sensibly, I’m afraid. A very bad hat, I’m told.
    TOWN CLERK: ( Astounded. ) Well, glory be to God!
    ( KELLY has stopped in his track at the door and turned round, gaping. )
    MARGARET: James!
    KELLY: What?
    MARGARET: James! What are you saying? This is Mr. Kelly. ( KELLY steps back a few paces into the room. )
    MARGARET: ( Coming over excitedly between KELLY and SHAW .) James, what on earth do you mean? This is Mr. Kelly.
    KELLY: My name is Kelly. ( He strikes his breast. ) I’m Kelly!
    SHAW: Ao, I say, look here——
    MARGARET: ( Shrilly. ) James, what nonsense is this you’re talking? Mr. Kelly is a friend of mine. Has some scandal-giver in this town been writing to you?
    TOWN CLERK: Begor, I wouldn’t put it past Reilly.
    SHAW: ( Stiffening. ) Margaret, kindly stand aside. ( He approaches KELLY , gently pushing his sister out of the way. ) Do I take it that you are the same Kelly who is going forward as an Irish M.P.?
    KELLY: ( Defiantly. ) I have been persuaded by