Complicit by Stephanie Kuehn Read Free Book Online

lurches.
    It could be her. It really could—Danny’s always stood by Cate, for reasons I’ve never understood. I can’t get a good look at this girl, though. Her back’s to me, so all I can make out is long black hair, and when she reaches for her drink, I see white skin, slim wrists, but it’s not enough. I can’t be sure. So I stand there, frozen and gaping, with my ice cream cone held up to my mouth that’s hanging open like all my circuits have jammed, and in my mind, I will this girl to turn around and show her face so I can see if she’s got eyes and a chin that look like mine, only sort of hard and haunted all at once.
    Turn, turn, turn, I think. Show me.
    Then suddenly, the winter wind blows and the Christmas lights sway and the ding-ding-ding of the holiday bells flood my senses, and the thought of seeing my sister, here, now, after all this time, well, it stops my heart and tears at my insides. It’s too much. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to know if it’s her. I don’t.
    I can’t.
    I panic. Only my hands don’t go numb. In fact, I have just the opposite reaction.
    â€œOw!” squeaks Jenny. “Jamie, what are you—”
    â€œThis way,” I say gruffly, dropping my ice cream with a disgraceful splat as I pull her right around in the opposite direction. I move on pure autopilot. Jenny stumbles on the sidewalk, but I hold her up. We march forward, like dancers on a stage, skirting a loud family that’s practically taking up the whole walkway, a street performer who’s singing Green Day off-key, and some scruffy-haired college student who’s trying to force people into signing a petition about solar-powered trees or tax-free air or one of those nutty Berkeley things.
    Once we’ve turned a corner, Jenny pops her hand free of mine and flexes her fingers. “What was that about?”
    I keep walking.
    â€œHey!” Jenny trots alongside me. Then grabs my arm. “Come on, stop.”
    I’m rattled, beyond rattled, really, but now that we’ve put some distance between us and that girl, now that I don’t have to face the possibility of seeing my sister, I’m able to do what Jenny’s telling me to do; I stop and I look at her.
    I feel like total shit.
    â€œI’m sorry about your hand,” I say. “ Fuck. I’m so damn sorry.”
    â€œMy hand’s fine. Jamie, what’s wrong? You look upset.”
    â€œI’m sorry,” I say again, but I’m shaking, and she sees that and I can’t make her unsee it. “It’s just, I’ve got issues with, well, with anxiety, I guess. It hasn’t been bad like this in a long time, though.”
    â€œAnxiety? Like panic attacks?”
    I grit my teeth and let my eyes roll skyward. Well, now I’m embarrassed more than anything. “Sort of.”
    â€œBecause of your cataplexy thing?”
    â€œNah, I’ve been anxious since way before my cataplexy started. Since I was a kid. But like I said, it hasn’t been a problem in a long while.”
    Except for last Wednesday at school. During gym. When Cate called.
    â€œWell, I’m glad you’re all right.” Jenny squeezes me again, then she turns her hand over and sort of brushes her knuckles gently across my forearm. Back and forth. I suck in air. Her touch is a spark on dry tinder.
    â€œWell, I’m glad you’re so damn nice,” I say.
    We both stand there, not talking, just looking at each other. More than looking, what we’re really doing is gazing, and we do it for so long I start to get the feeling that nothing else matters.
    It’s a good feeling.
    Better than good.
    It’s one I could get lost in.

THIRTEEN
    At midnight, after my date, I lie in bed feeling both exhilarated and remorseful. The exhilaration comes from realizing how much I like Jenny, but the remorse stems from not kissing her when I dropped her off at her