Confessions of an Alli Cat by Courtney Cole Read Free Book Online Page A

don’t like being around dicks.”
    I automatically start to tell her not to call her father a dick.  But he is being a dick.  And we might as well call a dick a dick.  So I shut my mouth and simply turn the car for home.
    “Aren’t we going to lunch?” Sophie pipes up, lifting her head from the passenger window. 
    “Seriously?  After all of that, you’re still thinking of food?”
    She stares at me blankly. I sigh.
    “You’re such a teenager.”
    She smiles.  “But I’m your teenager.”
    She knows exactly how to make me melt.  She’s a wily one, my daughter. 
    I take her to our favorite Chinese place where we gorge ourselves on Kung Pao chicken and then share a molten double chocolate volcano for dessert. 
    We are laughing by now and have completely forgotten about Rick the Dick’s bad behavior.
    “I’m just glad that Vanessa’s fake boobs didn’t pop,” Sophie giggles as she takes a bite of chocolate sauce.  “They would have felt that explosion all the way in Japan.  It might have caused another Tsunami.”
    I can’t help but laugh before I tell her not to joke about Tsunamis.  She rolls her eyes.
    “I’m not.  I’m being serious.  An explosion of that magnitude would probably trigger some sort of natural disaster somewhere.  Maybe an avalanche in the Rockies or something.  No lie.”
    I chuckle because she’s right as I pay the bill. Vanessa’s fake boobs are enormous. 
    “How big do you think they are?” I muse as I pull out my credit card.  “D?”
    Sophie’s eyes light up wickedly.  “They are DD’s,” she confirms.  “I saw her tacky bra in the laundry at Dad’s.  I’m always waiting for her to fall over from the sheer weight of those things.”
    I know that I shouldn’t joke around like this with Sophie, but after the morning we’ve had, I can’t help but laugh with her.  I know.  Mom of the year, right here.
    “Wanna go to a movie?” Sophie suggests as we leave.  I stare at her in shock.  She hasn’t wanted to go to a movie with me in forever.  I turned un-cool right about the time she turned thirteen.  A total coincidence, I’m sure. 
    Sophie giggles as my mouth practically drops open.
    “What?” she looks at me innocently.  “It’s a girl’s day, isn’t it?”
    I melt again. 
    So, we go to a movie, share a giant tub of buttered popcorn and a vat of coke.  Then we return home, pull on sweat pants and watch chick flicks all night.
    As I lay curled up with my angelic-at-the-moment daughter, I ponder my state of current good luck.
    All in all, I fucked an amazing younger sex god, ran down my cheating ex-husband’s new fiancée (On accident!!) and had a spectacular girl’s day with my sometimes-surly-but-not-today teen daughter.  It was a fabulous fucking weekend.
    Oh, and I forgot the fact that I have mastered the art of saying fuck. 
    Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck. 
    See?  I’m getting good at it.

Chapter Six
     
    (Or: When life throws you curve balls, fuck the pitcher)
     
    “I didn’t return your calls yesterday because I was busy all day. You know, plowing down Rick’s fiancée in a parking lot,” I tell Sara as I chew on a pickle.  She is picking apart her sandwich in agitation.  “Don’t do that.  You’re going to get ham under your fingernails.”
    Sara glares at me.  “I heard you the first time you explained it.  And we’ll get back to that because it’s effing hilarious.  But first, I’m mad at you.  Seriously.  How hard would it have been to simply call me back for just one minute so that you could tell me how it went with Shade?  The whole thing was my idea.  I deserve to hear all of the juicy details.”
    I laugh.  “Don’t you mean you deserve to get off on all the juicy details?”
    She glares at me and I laugh again. She does have a point.
    “Okay, okay.  Yes, I know. I owe you for this one.  Shade was fabulous.”
    Her eyes light up. “So, you did love riding the teenage pony?”
    I