Crash & Burn by Jaci J Read Free Book Online Page B

last night. It’s all there.
    Cracking one heavy eye open, I see Lil next to me. She’s lying on her back with one
     of her hands resting on my arm. The comforter is covering everything except for the
     one long tanned leg that’s always thrown out to the side. A few smears of blood are
     on her tan skin and it makes my stomach roll. My teeth marks have ruined that smooth
     leg. Letting my eyes roam up her body, I find the same thing on her shoulder. I know
     exactly what I did last night. I did the same thing I do every time I get drunk, I
     fuck her. Fuck her to punish her. I fuck her to punish myself. It’s fucking sick.
    Rolling over, I grab the half empty bottle of rum on the floor, hoping to kill the
     sick ache that’s taking over. I throw the rum back like I’m dying of thirst, like
     it’ll cure everything. World hunger, poverty, and my pathetic fucking life. I drink
     like it’ll solve all the problems in the world. Shutting my eyes, I pray like fuck
     I wake up soon, where things are good again, where things aren’t a total fuck up because
     of me. But it never works that way. I’m just not that goddamn lucky, so I lay back
     down only to pass out again.
                  I wake up the same as I did a few hours earlier, except I’m alone in bed. Getting
     up, I snatch up the bottle by my feet and pull on some sweats. Walking through the
     house, I drink and look for Lil. Letting the cool burn of alcohol seer its way down
     my throat, I drown everything. Every thought, feeling, and concern, I smother it with
     the liquor.
    The kitchen door is open, leading onto the porch when I walk in. Passing the clock,
     I see it’s two in the afternoon and Lil should be at work, but I know she’s not because
     she’s been missing a lot of work lately. Another thing I fuck up.
    Walking onto the back porch, she’s sitting in a chair with her feet propped up on
     the railing, staring off in the distance. My tee hangs off of her small frame and
     leaves a lot of leg exposed. I can see where she wiped the blood on her leg off, but
     the teeth marks remain and I have to look away. I don’t know why I have to get so
     fucking rough with my baby. She doesn’t deserve this shit.
    Lennie is lying at the foot of the chair and watches me as I walk outside. George
     is on the seat next to her while she pets him with one hand, and the other hand is
     holding onto a bottle of Jack. Her face is lost and lifeless and it’s then I know
     she’s giving up. I can see it and feel it before she even looks at me. I know before
     I see her eyes and hear the words. I know she doesn’t have anything left to give me.
    Looking up she says, “We need to talk. I can’t … no, I take that back. I won’t do this anymore.” She says quietly. Her voice lacks any of that strength I know she
     burns with. I know exactly what she means, but still I have to ask.
    “Do what Lil?” Some sick part of me wants to hear her say it. I want to hear her say
     the words so I can feel vindicated somehow and blame her. I want the pain of her giving
     up on me, because I’ve given up on myself. I want a reason to be mad.
    “You, me, the drinking, the smoking, all this fuckin’ shit you keep putting me through;
     All the blame you put on me as an excuse for the way you act. I wish I could say there
     are more bad times than good, but there are absolutely no good times. Fuck, I can’t
     even remember the last time we had a good day. This shit is killin’ me Tank,” she
     whispers harshly.
    Tipping her face to me, she gives me those heartbreaking, beautiful brown eyes that
     are shiny with tears, tearing into my heart. I know I’ve broken her. I’ve broken us.
     I try to find something to say, some small semblance of shit to fix this.
    But my pride steps in. It won’t let me feel bad for her ‘cause it’s her fault I go
     through this every day. If I’d never met her …
    “So what? You can’t do it? You’re the fuckin’ reason