Cross Channel by Julian Barnes Read Free Book Online Page B

vagina, mouth or anus, where do you like to ejaculate in order of preference: 1) Armpit; 2) Between the breasts; 3) On the stomach?’ Uncle Freddy answers - and here I have to retranslate from the French, so do not offer these as his exact words - ‘Is the cupped palm permitted?’ Quizzed about which sexual position he prefers, my uncle replies that he likes to be lying on his back, with the woman sitting on top of him. ‘Ah,’ says Benjamin Péret, ‘the so-called “lazy position”.’
    My uncle is then interrogated about the British propensityfor sodomy, over which he is defensive, until it transpires that homosexuality is not the topic, but rather sodomy between men and women. Then my uncle is baffled. ‘I have never done it,’ he replies, ‘and I have never heard of anyone doing it.’ ‘But do you dream of doing it?’ asks Breton. ‘I have never dreamed of doing it,’ ‘T.F.’ doggedly responds. ‘Have you ever dreamed of fucking a nun in a church?’ is Breton’s next question. ‘No, never.’ ‘What about a priest or a monk?’ asks Queneau. ‘No, not that either,’ is the reply.
    I am not surprised that Session 5(a) is relegated to an appendix. The interrogators and fellow-confessors are in a lethargic or routine mood; while the surprise witness keeps pleading the Fifth. Then, towards the end of the evening, there comes a moment when the Englishman’s presence seems briefly justified. I feel I should at this point give the transcript in full.
    A NDRE B RETON : What is your opinion of love?
    ‘T.F.’: When two people get married …
    A NDRE B RETON : No, no, no! The word marriage is anti-surrealist.
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : What about sexual relations with animals?
    ‘T.F.’: What do you mean?
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : Sheep. Donkeys.
    ‘T.F.’: There are very few donkeys in Ealing. We had a pet rabbit.
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : Did you have relations with the rabbit?
    ‘T.F’: No.
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : Did you dream of having relations with the rabbit?
    ‘T.F’: No.
    A NDRE B RETON : I cannot believe that your sexual life can possibly be as empty of imagination and surrealism as you make it appear.
    J ACQUES P REVERT : Can you describe to us the principal differences between sexual relations with an Englishwoman and those with a Frenchwoman?
    ‘T.F.’: I only arrived in France yesterday.
    J ACQUES P REVERT : Are you frigid? No, do not take offence. I am not serious.
    ‘T.F.’: Perhaps I can make a contribution by describing something I used to dream about.
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : To do with donkeys?
    ‘T.F.’: No. There used to be a pair of twin sisters in my street.
    J EAN B ALDENSPERGER : You wanted to have sexual relations with both of them at the same time?
    R AYMOND Q UENEAU : How old were they? Were they young girls?
    P IERRE U NIK : You are excited by lesbianism? You like to watch women caress one another?
    A NDRE B RETON : Please, gentlemen, let our guest speak. I know we are surrealists, but this is chaos.
    ‘T.F.’: I used to look at these twin sisters, who were in all visible respects identical, and ask how far that identity continued.
    A NDRE B RETON : You mean, if you were having sexual relations with one, how could you tell it was she and not the other?
    ‘T.F.’: Exactly. At the beginning. And this in turn provoked a farther question. What if there were two people - women - who in their …
    A NDRE B RETON : In their sexual movements …
    ‘T.F.’: In their sexual movements were exactly the same, and yet in all other respects were completely different.
    P IERRE U NIK : Erotic doppelgangers yet social disparates.
    A NDRE B RETON : Precisely. That is a valuable contribution. Even, if I may say so to our English guest, a quasi-surrealist contribution.
    J ACQUES P REVERT : So you have not yet been in bed with a Frenchwoman?
    ‘T.F.’: I told you, I only arrived yesterday.
    This is the end of Uncle Freddy’s documented participation in Session 5(a), which then