Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man: A Novel by Fannie Flagg Read Free Book Online

was a sign from the Lord. Mrs. Caldwell stayed behind the screen door, looking mean, telling her husband to come on back in the house and get away from us. He finally left, but I stuck my tongue out at Mrs. Caldwell before I went.
    Afterwards Daddy said it was a damn shame that poor girl had to waste her life with those two rednecks. He told me that people like the Caldwells would shoot you in the head and swear that they had read somewhere in the Bible to do it.
    One person on the river who is great is Mr. Wilbur Donnally, who has the most famous curio collection in Harwin County. He keeps it in his living room and it costs a quarter to see it. He has a baseball that in 1932, in Tallahassee, Florida, had bounced off a first baseman’s head and had been caught by a fielder and was counted as an out. He also owns the Mystery Sea Freak. Nobody knows if it’s a fish or a bird.
    My favorite is the old bullet that had been shot through the face of a Choctaw Indian chief by an Indian enemy. After he found out he wasn’t killed, he spit the bullet out into his hand,loaded it into the muzzle of his gun and shot his enemy dead.
    Daddy’s favorite curio is the stuffed chicken with ten toes. That’s what gave Daddy the idea to become a taxidermist. He figured after the summer months were over, it would be nice to have something to do. So he had a sign made up to go in the window that said “Bill Harper, Certified Public Taxidermist.” He is going to take a course by mail and collect things to stuff when the season is over. It’s lucky we have a big ice cream freezer to keep the dead animals in.
    We need to hire help for the malt shop, so we went up to Beulah Heights, the colored quarters, to look for a dishwasher and found one named Mattie Mae.
    According to Mattie Mae, there is a real live albino living in Beulah Heights. Her name is Ula Sour. She has pink eyes and never goes out in the daytime because she is spotted. Nobody knows where she lives and she’s so ugly she would scare you to death. Somebody saw her once in the night picking flowers. I would give anything to see her.
    I love to go to Beulah Heights. Daddy buys me the best barbecue from the man on the corner, who makes it outside his house every day. I go into the Elite Nightspot for an Orange Crush. I love the Elite Nightspot. Little colored Christmas lights are all around and it has a jukebox and everything. I never heard any of the songs before because they are race music from Africa and Chicago.
    The lady who runs it is named Peachy Wigham and has gold teeth and lives on a liquid diet. Peachy said I could come to see her anytime I wanted and gave me a dead chicken foot for good luck. I showed it to Momma and she said for me to throw it out right away, it might give me a chicken disease. I washed it real good and hid it in a Luden’s cough drop box.
    We are now looking for a waiter. There is a sailor base up the road, and a lot of sailors have applied for the job. Oh, and I forgot to tell you the best thing. My picture is being used as an advertisement, just like Kay Bob Benson’s. Daddy took a photo of me looking real sad and pale. Then he made me up with Momma’s Merle Norman kit, mascara and all, and curled my hair and took another picture with me looking very happy. Heput them both on a sign and under it printed “Which twin eats at Harper’s Malt Shop?” Momma says it is false advertising, but I think it will bring in the customers like crazy.
    Daddy has been practicing his short-order cooking. I get all the cheeseburgers and chocolate malts I want. He is a wonderful cook. He and Momma are having a big fight because he wants to sell beer and Momma doesn’t want him to. She is afraid he will drink up the profits and that the beer will bring in a rough crowd. Daddy thinks beer is where the big money is. If he does win, I hope we get Miller High Life because it is my favorite. Daddy likes Budweiser a lot and Momma hates it all.
    There is a real nightclub