Teen Idol.â She turns to Michael. âDoesnât he look great?â
âIf you say so,â Michael teases me.
I love these two. Iâm terrified about going on stage, but a smile that starts in my feet
spreads across my face.
âThe fans loved you guys,â I say. âI have a lot to live up to.â
âYouâre going to be great, Wil.â Itâs Dave Scott. âAre you ready?â
I take a deep breath. âYeah. Letâs do it.â
Michael and Marina wish me luck, and leave. I wonder if any of us have ever stayed around
to watch each other on stage. Iâve watched Patrick a few times, hoping that heâll break into
some spontaneous Shakespeare, but nobodyâs ever watched me, as far as I know.
Dave pats my shoulder, and takes the stage.
âOh, ladies and gentlemen! Our next speaker is going to really surprise you!â The crowd
begins to applaud.
That was nice. Surprising people is cool.
âHe did a show for me in Waterbury, Connecticut, and he was the funniest, most
entertaining, and charming guest Iâve ever had!â The applause is joined by some
whistling.
Woah, Dave! Letâs not build me up too much.
âYou are going to have the time of your life in the next 50 minutes!â
I can hear some screams of âWESLEY!â join the cacophony.
Oh Christ. âThe time of your life?!â Stop now, please.
âPlease welcome to the stage, all the way from Los Angeles, the man, the myth, the legend,
Wesley Crusher himself, WIL WHEATON!â
The crowd explodes. They cheer. They stomp their feet. They whistle. The stage is littered
with panties.
Well, maybe not the panties part, but everything else is true. I swear. I take a deep
breath, and walk through the curtain.
I burst out onto the stage, and they jump to their feet. In this moment, I understand the
appeal of living a rock and roll lifestyle.
I walk around the stage, waving, throwing the goat, and enjoying the positive
response.
When the crowd settles down, I hit them with my funny.
Itâs hot in Vegas. Tenth Circle of Hell hot. Fortunately, TNN has shown up and, in a
humanitarian and self-promotional effort, have handed out bottles of âAltair Water.â Itâs
plain old bottled water, but itâs in a nifty green bottle with some Star Trek graphics on it,
and a friendly reminder to â Watch TNG on The New TNN! â They are handing
them out by the hundreds, because those spacesuits really make you sweat, if I remember
correctly.
So I hold up the bottle of water and I say, âIâve been drinking this âAltair Waterâ all
morning . . . and you know what Iâm thinking? This isnât actually from the planet Altair. Itâs
just regular water! So if you paid for it, I think you got ripped off.â
Oh yeah, baby. Itâs comedy gold.
The applause and cheering of moments before is replaced by the hum of fluorescent lights,
as the first surly heckler shouts, (with the appropriate mix of condescension and contempt),
âItâs free, Wil!â
Self-preservation speaks up. â Get off the stage, Wil. You had your chance and
you blew it .â
Heâs right. Iâve been on stage for 15 seconds, and they already hate me.
I try to shake it off, and move right into the Q&A. âOkay . . . uh, I only have 50
minutes here and I want to maximize our time together today, so hereâs the deal: I have some
stories that I like to tell, but I also like to take questions from the audience, so you can
direct the discussion. Since we only have a short time today, Iâll answer the most frequently
asked questions first: No, yes, umbrellas, I canât remember and they were real.â
Bingo, baby! âthey were real!â How can they not love that?!
Silence. I see a teenager in a âSexy women of Star Trekâ T-shirt roll his eyes, as four
Klingons sigh