Dancing Barefoot by Wil Wheaton Read Free Book Online Page B

heavily and walk out.
    Oh shit. They are walking out. I’m dead.
    I panic. “What’s wrong?” I ask Self-preservation. “ Hey, I told you to get off
     the stage. You’re on your own, jackass ,” he says.
    An experienced performer has a few jokes or stories that always get a good response. We
     call them “back pocket” material, and they are held in our minds for occasions like this. I
     decide to bring one of them out . . . but my mind draws a complete blank.
    I have nothing, so I say, “Uh. Does anyone have any questions?”
    I honestly expect someone to shout out, “How come you suck?” But nobody says
     anything.
    I look at the crowd for a second, and I say with a smile, “Well then, I guess we’re done
     here! Thanks a lot for coming, and have a great rest of the weekend!” I start to walk off
     stage, with every intention of continuing down the hall, and into the bar.
    After a couple of steps, though, they all laugh. Hard.
    What? That was funny? Well, I guess after the water crack, pretty
     much anything is funny. Okay, I’ll take what I can get at this point. I relax a bit and we get
     going. I begin to share my Star Trek memories, and the crowd gets involved.
    A woman dressed as Doctor Crusher stands up and says, “Say hello to your mother!”
    â€œOkay . . .” I say, and turn to my real mom, Debbie, who is sitting on the opposite side
     of the theatre. “Hey mom! Thanks for coming! Do I still suck?”
    The whole room turns to find her.
    â€œNo. You’re doing great, honey,” she says.
    â€œThanks, mom,” I say.
    I call on a cute girl who wears a babydoll “Social Distortion” shirt.
    â€œWhat was it like to kiss Ashley Judd?” she asks.
    I smile broadly. “Come on up here, and I’ll show you!”
    Huge laugh. She stands up!
    â€œOh! No! I’m just kidding!” I hold up my hand, and point into my palm, “my ifeway isay
     inay the eaterthay!”
    I glance at my wife. She’s laughing and shaking her head, and she winks at me.
    I feel good. They’re laughing with me, and having a good time.
    I call on an older man, who sits near the front, several bags of collectibles at his
     feet.
    â€œDo you have a favorite episode of Voyager? ” he asks.
    â€œWell, The truth is, I’ve only watched Voyager a couple of times, and
     I really don’t like it.”
    There is a little bit of a gasp. Did Wesley just say he doesn’t like
     Voyager?
    I try to explain. “The episode was called Scorpion , and I watched it
     because my friend designed the monster that terrorized the crew for the entire
     episode.”
    I hear angry sighs. People turn to talk to each other. Some of them leave.
    What happened? All I said was that I don’t like Voyager! What’s the
     big deal? Lots of Trekkies don’t like Voyager . Maybe I should have called
     it “V’ger.”
    A guy waves his hand rather urgently, fingers spread in the Vulcan “Live long and prosper”
     salute. I point to him.
    â€œWhat was your favorite episode of Deep Space Nine ?”
    â€œWell, the truth is, DS9 and Voyager just never
     appealed to me. The stories didn’t interest me as much as the stories on Next
     Generation , or Classic Trek ,” I say.
    Big mistake. This is not what the fans want to hear. They want to hear how I love and care
     about these shows as much as they do, because that’s exactly what they hear from the other
     actors. They get up on stage, and they give the fans exactly what they want.
    Well, I don’t do that. I tell them what it’s truly like for me, warts and all. The truth
     is, sometimes being on Star Trek was the greatest thing in the world. Other times, it
     completely sucked. And, as blasphemous as this sounds, at the end of the day it was just a
     job.
    But when all is said and done, I am still a fan at heart. I loved the original