Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page B

Carlisle.) and never reached the bonus round, but they did receive some lovely consolation prizes.
     
    Another major event to occur around this time was the passage of the Alien and Sedition Acts, which made it illegal to engage in acts of sedition with an alien unless you were both consenting adults. This so enraged the voters that they elected Thomas Jefferson as the third president, thus ruining the alphabetical-order concept and plunging the nation into what historians refer to as the Era of Presidents Whose Names Nobody Can Remember, which did not end until President Evelyn Lincoln.
     
    But this did not stop women and minority groups from continuing to achieve many noteworthy achievements.
     
    Meanwhile, Jefferson faced the issue of what to do about the Barbary States, a group of small pirate nations on the Mediterranean that were preying on international commerce by sailing out to passing merchant ships and demanding spare change. Most major nations were paying bribes, or “tribute,” to the Barbary States in exchange for safe passage, but Jefferson angrily rejected this idea with his famous epigram “The hell with those dirtbags.”
     
    So he sent some warships over there to explain to the pirates, in diplomatic terms, the various international diplomatic implications of having their bodies perforated by eight-inch cannonball holes, and the pirates agreed to cool it. This bold action by Jefferson established an honorable American tradition of “getting tough” with terrorists that continued in the United States until the latter half of the twentieth century, when it was replaced by the tradition of “calling a press conference and threatening to get tough” with terrorists.
     
    THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE
     
    While this was going on, England and France were at war with Spain. Or perhaps England and Spain were at war with … No! This is it: France and Spain were at war with England. But only because Germany did not exist at the time. As far as we know.
     
    Anyway, the result was that for some reason France decided to sell a large piece of property in North America. The French government put the following advertisement in The New York Times real estate section:
     
    NICE PIECE OF LAND
    approx. 34 hillion jillion acres convenient to West
    perfect for growing nation.
     
    So Jefferson did a little checking and he found that this property was in fact zoned for Westward Expansion, and he made an offer of $12 million. The French countered with $15 million, but they also threw in the appliances, and they had themselves a deal. After the closing ceremony, Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark off to hold the Lewis and Clark Expedition. It was hard going: The land was wild and untamed; there were hostile Americans around; and Clark bitched constantly because he thought it should be called “The Clark and Lewis Expedition.” Nevertheless, they were able to explore the entire region, and when they returned to Washington on October 8 they reported that it contained not just Louisiana; but a whole bunch of other states as well, although some of them, such as South Dakota, needed work.
     
    Meanwhile, in Europe, the situation worsened as England joined France in declaring war against Spain, unaware that France had joined Spain in declaring war against England, and that Spain, acting in haste, had accidentally declared war against itself. The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812. A worried nation turned its eyes anxiously toward Thomas Jefferson, then had a good laugh at its own expense when it realized that he was no longer the president. He had been replaced by President James Something, Monroe or Madison, who immediately placed the country on a war footing (Whatever that means.).
     
    THE WAR OF 1812
     
    The War of 1812