Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online

to conduct a little competence test, wherein you deliberately disconnect one spark plug wire from your car’s engine. Then you go around to various gas stations, tell the attendants that you think something is wrong with your engine, and see if they can correctly diagnose the problem.
    INCORRECT DIAGNOSIS: “So?”
    CORRECT DIAGNOSIS: “Sounds likesomething is wrong with your, whaddyacallit, engine.”
    If you find somebody who gives you the correct diagnosis, you should cling to him the way the remora clings to the shark. If you have a daughter, you should encourage her to marry him.
SELECTING A SUPERMARKET
    The major things we look for in a supermarket are:
A wide selection of browsing material at the checkout counter in the form of
People
magazine and tabloid-size newspapers with headlines like “BURT REYNOLDS WEDS GIANT UFO CENTIPEDE”
A policy whereby people who get in the checkout line clutching large, time-consuming wads of food coupons are actually charged
more
for their groceries.
Very
strict enforcement of the ten-item limit in the express lane. Ideally, this enforcementwould involve a trapdoor. (“Oh? Do I have fourteen items? I didn’t realIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE …”)
JOINING LOCAL CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS
    This is an excellent way for a newcomer like yourself to make friends with many local community leaders, all of whom will want to sell you insurance.
GIVING MONEY TO THE LOCAL POLICE BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION
    We always do this. Whenever they come around, we give them a generous contribution and a cheerful smile, because deep in our souls we have this nagging fear that they write your name down somewhere, and if you did
not
contribute, it will come back to haunt you:
    YOU : Help! Please send somebody to 465 Magnolia Street immediately!
    POLICE DISPATCHER : Would that be the residence of Stanley Johnson, the guy who stiffed the Benevolent Association for six straight years? The guy who always says he’ll send us a check “next week”?
    YOU : Yes! Please! A huge insane man is pounding on our door with an axe!
    POLICE DISPATCHER : That would be Lester Stubbins. Last year he donated, let’s see here, twenty-five dollars.
    YOU : HE’S BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR! HURRY!!
    POUCE DISPATCHER : Sure thing. Well have a unit there “next week”.
SELECTING A SCHOOL FOR YOUR CHILD
    There are two major kinds of schools:
    Public Schools
, defined as “schools where the doors have been removed from the bathroom stalls.”
    Private Schools
, defined as “schools you cannot afford.”
    The key factor in selecting a school, of course, is what kind of nurse it has. Remember that the primary function of the American educational system is to provide you with a place to leave your children when you go to work; if the school has the kind of nurse who calls you up every time some little thing goes wrong, the whole point is defeated. Also, your career could be ruined:
    SETTING : The chambers of the U.S. Supreme Court
    YOU : In conclusion, your honors, I wish to state that my client—
    CHIEF JUSTICE (interrupting): Counsel, I have a note here from the nurse at the Bob-o-Link Elementary School stating that your daughter, Jennifer, is throwing up what appears to be Yoo-Hoo brand chocolate drink.
    So you’re looking for a school with a levelheaded nurse, the kind who would not
think
of calling you over something as minor asvomiting, which most small children engage in purely as a recreational activity.
    Another thing: Whichever school you select,
you must get your child into the “gifted” class
. I imagine there was a time when the word “gifted” was used to describe only children who were above average, but since hardly any parents today will tolerate the thought that their child may be average, the term “gifted” is now applied to any student with more brain wave activity than a glazed doughnut.
    The way you get your child into the gifted class is, you go to the school personally and make it clear to the staff that you are a